Being feminine does not essentially make me a feminist!

On February 6, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Random, Relationships10 Comments

My femininity doesn’t make me a feminist!

Clearly, being a female when I say I’m not a feminist, I might be raising many eyebrows and inevitably be inviting criticism, but it certainly is a harsh reality and a blatant truth we should all keep abreast with. And to agree or not is totally a personal call and acceptable either way.

Being a feminist is not same as being a feminine and I refuse to be a feminist just because I am feminine. I also am, most certainly, not a feminist because my country has an ingrained patriarchal society where in some parts child brides are still a reality and street harassment and rapes are commonplace.

The three kinds of feminists that exist in the society

I know of three kinds of feminists around the globe:

One, the “extreme” feminist kind who are man-haters and think men to be evil and would rather enslave men than be equal. These are the loud and outspoken hardcore misogynist-hating feminists who think they are superior to men.

Two, the “equivocal” feminist kind who not only want the perks that men enjoy, but also the privileges that women are entitled to. These nonchalant feminists are the ones with beliefs which are pretty much wish-wash.

Three, the “rational” feminist kind who want equal rights for both men and women alike and actually mean it. This kind of feminists are the ones inexistent and fighting for the true cause, but have small reach, receives disproportionate attention and usually go unheard.

So feminists are basically a large diverse group of people (mostly women) with a huge difference of opinions and beliefs. And though, sometimes, I have found myself to be inclined to belong to the third kind of feminists, but with a deeper critique, I rightly choose to opt out.

Feminism and Patriarchy

India has been a sexist nation for time immemorial with patriarchy deeply ingrained in its culture. In spite of having the right to equality to be a vested right in our very Constitution, the existence of gender-based prejudice and discrimination that women have been facing at home and workplace alike since ages are absolutely resentful. But having said that, I seriously have no issues with the patriarchal nature of the society we live in. I don’t see anything wrong with men being leaders and constituting the major part of the workforce. Yet, I most certainly have a strong objection when aspiring, intelligent and worthy women are denied and deprived of an equal opportunity at it despite having similar expertise and skill set.

The fault in being a feminist – the dichotomy

You see, the idea of feminism has become very vague over the years, and irrespective of whatever noble intentions it was born with, it fails to carry the same meaning. Today, it has become associated with brittle ideologues, feeding more of stereotyping than working for the cause and does deserve criticism. And more than anything I detest being stereotyped. I am an individual and I hate to conform to any norms just for the sake of it.

Feminism has been frequently used by a bunch of loud and vocal extremist feminists for gratifying personal agendas, warping the very essence for which feminism once stood for. As it now stands, feminism, today, has lost its vigour and has begun to rub people the wrong way, if yet not considered a dirty word. Of late, feminism has become more of promotion propaganda for career-driven women. I mean, yes, I have my ambitions and I want to be provided with a choice to want to work, but not just for the sake of achieving empowerment. I want to feel equally empowered being a stay-at-home mom. I want to be entitled to all the worlds I identify with as a human being and not for being a woman. I want a culture which shuns gender-stereotyping and fosters individuality with a choice of roles.

I want a job for my hard-earned education and merit and not because I have a vagina and a pair of breasts. I refuse to be objectified because of my gender because I am more than just vagina and breasts put together. I am every bit human just as men are. But then again, I also believe in gender roles for both genders, and rational equality; not just some irrational equality where I would go compete with men who can roam in the streets at odd hours of the night or can remove clothes in the public. But, yes, I do want the world to be safe for women, and for that, I don’t necessarily have to be a feminist.

I don’t need feminism to teach me about equality. My basic education has given me enough understanding and know-how to know my rights as a human, and as a woman. And the very people who need to be enlightened are either the ones who do not care about their rights altogether (the lower class) or those who are too stubborn in their loyalty to patriarchal values to accept the change (the upper class). And, the sad reality is, while the former makes up the majority of the female population who have no say, the latter is just a bunch of elites who are in control.

The irony of modern-day feminism

The very women who proudly call themselves feminists want to enjoy all the perks of a man without letting go of the privileges that come with being a woman. Women take so many favours in their day to day lives just in the name of being a woman. Whereas on one hand, we are asking to put an end to the taboo and stigma attached with menses in females, on the other hand, we also deny to refrain from taking the two-day special leave that is sanctioned to female employees every month; so much for feminism.

While women want to be treated equally, they still wish to have seats reserved for them in public transports and also wish the man sitting in the area reserved for women to get up and oblige. And sometimes, even pass snide remarks so that he eventually is forced to vacate. How ironical! These are the same women who shout out themselves as feminists and would refuse to vacate the seat even for a more deserving elderly male.

Women talk about feminism and still need alimony after a divorce. Have we thought about giving alimony to the males instead? Wouldn’t this qualify for women empowerment? How many working women would go on to marry men without jobs and leave it up to them to work or not (the concept of stay-at-home dads is still a new concept)? Not even the most career-oriented women would do that. Every girl dreams to marry a man who has a good job, draws a handsome pay-cheque and is financially well-off.

Finding true equality

Females are not perfect creatures and neither are males. Just like women, men too face issues at home, at work, and in the law. We need to have the eyes to the atrocities that men and women have alike as humans. And rather than painting women as the perpetual victim and obsessing over one gender we need an empowered society which treats humans equally for their struggles and to be something more important and significant to be addressed together as a society and not just as men or women.

Joining hands for an egalitarian society.

Young boys equally fall prey to rapes and assaults, but a man getting sexually assaulted is difficult to comprehend and such cases are easily belittled and dismissed because men are infamously known to enjoy sex, right? Don’t such plights need to be equally heard and addressed?

We need to realize that just as not all females are bra-burning misogynists, similarly not all men are power-hungry patriarchs. I know of at least three men who are everything but female oppressors.

My father, a very authoritarian kind of male and the head of the family, was not the sole breadwinner. My mother had an equal role to play and had a say in every decision that has ever been made.

My brother, a free-spirited male, has been growing up among four older sisters, and has learned every possible household chore his sisters can do apart from running errands outside of the home. He even abides by the same rules we as females have to follow.

My husband, a kind, generous soul has never violated my rights. He despite being the sole earner in the family has allowed me the freedom of choice to be a stay-at-home mom while he willingly helps with almost all household chores and the baby even after his working hours.

Men like these are also part the same patriarchal society who we very conveniently use to put our blames on. They also need to deal with issues such as the pressure to be the breadwinner, unfair treatment in custody battles, the pressure of portraying themselves to be strong and tough to avoid being shamed, to name a few. Women fail to see the sacrifice that goes when these men, as part of the norms and values of our patriarchy adhering society are expected to protect and provide for women. Why for reasons like these even men are taken for granted just as women are for different other reasons?

Is feminism about women’s issues or is it about equality of the sexes? Isn’t it hypocritical to incessantly tout that feminism is for equality of both genders and then ignore men’s issues just because historically women have been oppressed more? Feminism does deserve criticism after all, not just for embracing precisely the gender roles they assert to eschew but also for lack of empathy, proclaiming loyalty to equality and monopolizing gender discourse while diminishing their issues and making them even nonexistent.

Isn’t it about time we stopped portraying ourselves victimized and began to empathize?

And, I don’t think feminism is the word we need to continue using. If equality is what we are after, then equality is the word we should use.

The proud declaration

Feminism can’t perpetually be used as an umbrella of “not everyone is happy” and “life is not fair” anymore. We have to accept and celebrate the biological differences that we as genders have and refashion the cultural conditioning that exists today. It’s time our liberty taught us to not be selfish, self-centred and that the feminism we know of today morphed into a more coveted equality and egalitarianism.

And for that very reason, I feel pride in calling myself a self-proclaimed rational gender egalitarian with strong beliefs for equality of both genders. I resent the idea of having to alter my identity or change titles to make me agreeable to hateful or ignorant people. And though, unfortunately enough, no such society exists, I would still like to think otherwise and hope to see a change in times ahead.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

If this isn’t bliss, then I’m not sure what is!

On February 1, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood5 Comments

Motherhood fills your days and night with magical moments of utter bliss, leaving you feeling astounded and thinking how did you ever lived so ignorant and missed the eyes for the beauty of life’s little big moments – so precious, so lovely!

For me bliss is:

That moment when the first time my baby boy was brought to me and I couldn’t help crying and smiling at the same time looking at his cute little angelic face.

That moment when he held on to my finger almost like we had known each other since long before we first-in-person met as if we had known each other for time immemorial. I knew instantly there was no other place I’d rather be.

That incredibly dreamy moment when he latched right on, and suckled happily without any hesitation whatsoever and kept snuggling into me as if he too had completely accepted me just as I had accepted him.

That defining moment when I was both exhilarated and overwhelmed with my new-found motherly feeling that I never knew existed within me.

Those moments of sheer delight when he used to go all berserk during the feeding sessions just looking at the breasts.

That hilarious instance, when Mr. Husband became the perfect victim of one of his poop explosions and was covered all over poop. Poor soul!

That moment when I first watched his elusive smile and totally got lost in it.

All those moments when I would smile brighter because he did.

All those times when I went gaga over his cuteness and just couldn’t take my eyes off him.

That first time when he began cooing and making all sorts of gurgling noises and how enchanting it was to hear that sweet sound.

Those times when he would spend hours together just watching and studying his newly-discovered hands and tiny fingers.

That moment when I witnessed his first laughter while he unknowingly played with his own reflection in the mirror.

Those precious moments when Mr. Husband looks at him like he put the stars in the sky.

Those moments when he kept amazing us each day by adding new sounds to his repertoire.

Those moments when he generously gave away his goggling beaming smiles on seeing someone he recognized.

That moment when he learned to blow bubbles by putting his tongue between his lips and kept practicing it tirelessly.

That moment when he gave the most triumphant of smiles as he figured out how to roll after umpteen failed attempts at it.

Those moments when I would be content just to watch him sleep peacefully and swell feeling proud of the magic I have created.

That first time when he learned to crawl after all the countless wiggling and bum-shuffling sequences.

That look of determination and a will so strong which I could see in his eyes the first time he stood with support and without it.

The first time he said “Papa” and I was filled with mixed emotions of happiness and jealousy all at the same time.

The unfathomable love and pride I felt hearing the first time he said “Mummy”. I’m sure my heart skipped a beat.

The first time he took his baby steps all by himself and I could watch my heart walking out of my body.

The way his face lights up to see me after a short time when I’m away and the look that he has as if saying, “Where were you all this time, I missed you so much,” and come running up to me to give me the biggest bear hug.

The mischievous look in his eyes when he is up to doing the thing which I asked him not to do a 100^th time.

The innocence of him waking in the middle of the night searching for me and keep snuggling closer to me.

The look of wisdom in his eyes that is still unsullied by the world.

Having him look at me at my ugly best and still feel I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole universe.

Watching both my boys play together, whispering god knows what into each other’s ears and giggling away merrily.

Gazing at him in amazement and getting those fleeting glimpses of what an incredible human being he will become.

Those moments of tickling him playfully until he can hardly breathe from laughing so hard.

The moments when he looks at me for approval while he is up to something mischievous.

The way I love him, insanely, just almost irrationally, without any reservation.

Watching him soundly asleep at night in some weird position in a tumble of bedding and messy hair.

The relentless smiles that he gives away when we lock looks and exchange glances.

“If this isn’t bliss, then I’m not sure what is!”

It is those moments that exude pure love, transcending any other kind I’ve ever known, that I so wish I could turn into gems, freeze them in time and keep them for eternity. I’m looking forward to more of such uncounted moments together to have and to cherish – that only motherhood is capable of giving!

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

Surviving the Loss of Your Mother while Pregnant

On January 30, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships7 Comments

Mr. Husband’s Viewpoint

“A mother is someone who we’ve known longer than we’ve known ourselves.” I lost my mother when I was 20, but got another in the form of my mother-in-law when I married my wife. I could talk to her freely for hours about anything and never get bored of it. She used to tell me stories about how my wife was as a child and how she had grown to be the woman she now is. In the 4th year of our marriage, she had started dropping us hints that she wanted a grandchild and that we should start a family soon. She wanted us to have a baby more than anything in the world.

And then Shaarav happened. Our bonding had grown so strong that I used to call her up to ask her every bit about what my wife could eat and what not. I used to ask her what if my wife wanted to binge on junk food at this stage of her, and my mother-in-law was more than glad to tell. She was very proud of me and she sort of “kept flaunting me” among friends and relatives.

The Untimely Loss

But unfortunately, when we were into the 16th week of our pregnancy, she too left us for the heavenly abode due to a heart condition. She had a major heart surgery and she succumbed to it. My wife was devastated to hear the news and cried and cried and cried inconsolably. She was my wife’s rock. My wife never even got to say goodbye as she wasn’t allowed to travel at the time. I was devastated too, but I had to stay strong for her. I had to stay strong for our unborn baby.

My wife had so wanted to share the news of the pregnancy with her friends once she completed 4 months, but now she couldn’t without talking about her mother and controlling her sobs. She wanted to grieve, but she was too frightened it would harm the baby. She felt guilty for even having a life growing inside her when her mother’s life was taken, and this guilt was consuming her. Some days were like she couldn’t breathe, she cried so much. She still hoped it to be a dream – a bad dream.

From Being a Motherless Daughter to Being a Motherless Mother

We are well aware of the fact that a woman needs her own mother the most when she becomes a mother herself. But that was not going to happen for us.

She was now a “motherless daughter” who was soon to become a “motherless mother”.

The entire pregnancy she missed her dreadfully, she misses her still and she just wants her back, she just wants her here with her, for her. She wanted to share with her mother all that was happening to her, wanted to ask her about the things she was experiencing and the emotional stuff she was going through and the names she had picked for the baby. But the reality was harsh. She was no more with us and her absence is massive.

Time is a great healer they say. And not a day goes by reminding of her, but now my wife has made peace with the situation and takes comfort from the fact that though her mother isn’t here with her now, she has taught her everything about being a good mother just by her example.

I try to convince my wife that at least she knew about him, knew he existed, but it’s never going to be the same. Yet, we like to think that she is looking down on him, on us, and we try to look after ourselves as best we can, bringing this brand new life into the world. We believe “she is our son’s guardian angel”.

After Shaarav was born there have been some very sad days where my wife would just wish that she could talk to her and get some advice or even just a hug. And whenever I think of her I couldn’t help myself thinking how, despite my wife’s every word of caution, I still couldn’t resist myself spilling the beans and she was the first person whom I told about. And I very vividly remember how excited she was about the baby.

Finding Ways to Pay Tribute to Her

And now about a year and a half later, my wife finds ways to pay tribute to her. My wife tells Shaarav how much his “Naani” loved him even though he wasn’t born and shows him pictures of her. My wife uses this as an opportunity to bring her to life again through her stories, morals and all the wonderful things my wife grew up learning, and to pass on to him the same heritage. Best of all, she tells him about the ways in which she can see her mother’s characteristics and qualities reflected in him. The sadness never goes away, but this way it seems to get easier to cope with. But deep within, she has this gutted feeling that Shaarav would never really know his “Naani” and would have to settle for her memories.

In the whole turn up of events I have had to stay strong for my wife, for the baby, and more than anything for us, knowing that I am the next shoulder she would lean on. I had to become her next rock and I will always be.

Coping with the loss

Going through the loss of your mother while you are going to be a mother yourself can be the most dreadful thing to happen to anybody. Coping with such a great loss can be the toughest thing to do. But, it becomes a lot easier if there’s someone to provide with the right kind of support.

I lost my mother when I was 4 months pregnant. She was the most cherished soul and still is. Mr. Husband was very fond of her too. But till date I kept shut about it, never sharing a word of how I felt with anyone, not even Mr. Husband. Feelings kept building but I didn’t find a way to express it until today when I started writing my own blog.

Thoughts and feelings are many, yet, I find myself writing about her so consuming that I feel choked with emotions. It’s easier for me to express from Mr. Husband’s point of view than writing from my own without crying again. Mr. Husband is the kindest soul I’ve ever known. He has been an unfaltering source of my strength this entire time. I feel privileged and proud for having him stand by me, supporting me in every endeavour of mine, giving wind to my wings. Nonetheless, someday I wish to be able to share my feelings from my own point of view when it’s a lot less hurting to express.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

How Mr. Husband sees me being a Stay-at-home Mother?

On January 29, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood, RelationshipsLeave a comment

I’m proud of her regardless of her being a stay-at-home mother or a working mother.

I am a stay-at-home mother as of now and definitely a proud one (Check out my previous post for more on being a stay-at-home mom). Our son is still small and there’s no one to look after him if I decide to go to work and leave him behind. Moreover, I have trust issues about keeping a nanny to look after my kid while I’m gone. So the situation demands of me to be a stay-at-home mom and I’m doing it happily. Yet, sometimes, in doing the same mundane activities day in and day out, I find my own identity rather lost in this new role.

Mr. Husband has been very supportive of my new role throughout and thinks very highly of me. He is not very expressive of his feelings but when he does he makes it a point to be stark clear. Here is what he thinks of me being a stay-at-home mother.

Stay-at-home mother vs Working mother

My wife is a stay-at-home mother as of now. We conceived when it was the peak time for her to be working and fulfilling her ambitions. But she decided to give her career aspirations a rest to start a family and bring this tiny human being to life which has become our whole world. But at the time, none of us had the slightest idea what we were signing up for.

Even one year after delivering she has had to put her dreams on hold to tend to this little life that we’ve created. Not that she is complaining or she isn’t proud of her new role as a stay-at-home mother, trust me we both truly are. I would have been equally proud had she been working, but we also can’t deny the fact that she did have to make sacrifices and change her priorities to take up this new role.

Not me, but her.

And then, on the other hand, there are also mothers who choose or have to work feeling guilty for having to leave their babies behind. It’s very difficult to choose one over the other, knowing that between the two there’s no such thing called a perfect choice, or even a good or a bad choice for that matter. And though neither of the decisions comes easy and both the decisions demand immense courage, strength, sacrifice, and bravery, it should be welcomed wholeheartedly and appropriately lauded.

Did you just read bravery? Oh yes, you read it right. It is, as a matter of fact, an act of bravery that we must give due credit to.

Why this constant debate about a stay-at-home mother and a working mother?

I feel it’s very shameful for us to even have this constant debate and categorize motherhood into stay-at-home mothers and working mothers. It’s rather pitiful how some of us look down at stay-at-home mothers and secretly diss on them, at the same time judge working mothers for being heartless and make them feel guilty for leaving their babies behind.

We should understand that there’s more to motherhood than what seemingly meets the eye. Motherhood is one true empowering spirit in itself and it doesn’t really matter if she’s a stay-at-home mom or a working one. It’s the feeling, emotions, and sentiments with which she enjoys motherhood and which makes her happy is what really matters in the true sense. Because after all, she’s the centre of everything, she’s the axis on which our lives revolve, men’s as well as the kids’. In my words,

“Children might be the heart of the family, Dads might be the body, but Moms are definitely the soul of the family.”

So let’s not put them in any category, rather just celebrate them for the beautiful souls that they are.
We really need more husbands to think like this. I’m thankful that I’ve got support and encouragement because somedays as a stay-at-home mom can get really overwhelming.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

Stay-at-home mom – a Need, a Compromise or a Choice?

On January 29, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Child Care and Development, Motherhood, Parenting13 Comments

Being a stay-at-home mom has its own perks.

I am a stay-at-home mom to our tiny-but-loud handful of a toddler who is my life and also my overtime job. Raising a toddler can be very difficult at times and our 14-month old, sometimes, can test my patience to the limits where I’m forced to shout at him. Yelling, though, is not a guarantee that it is going to make him listen to me. I know it’s not a very healthy way of raising a child and I instantly feel a sense of guilt surge through me soon after, but it is a way to vent out my frustration and anger.

Lately, not long since my tiny man turned one, there’s a storm of emotions building inside of me, which is constantly keeping me angry and frustrated; and making me snap at my little one for literally no reason.

But why was I angry all the time?

I couldn’t understand where all this anger and frustration was coming from. Once a happy-go-lucky girl I had changed into someone who wasn’t enjoyable to be around anymore.

What had gone wrong; and where?

I paused to introspect. And I realized that the reason behind me not being happy was none other than “me”. Clearly, I was not happy with the circumstance I was in. But was I unhappy? No, I wasn’t necessarily unhappy either. So what exactly was I feeling? You see, there’s a fine line between “being unhappy” and “not being happy” (am I making sense?). I wasn’t sad being a stay-at-home mom, but I wasn’t happy either. And I wasn’t pretending otherwise.

But why exactly wasn’t I happy?

With a deeper contemplation, I realized that I wasn’t happy with myself because I was getting so consumed with my role as a stay-at-home mom that I was beginning to lose my identity. I was losing my sense of self. This wasn’t what I had dreamt my life to be. I kind of felt trapped in the situation, anxiously trying to come out of it but not knowing how to.

I’ve never been very ambitious about my career aspirations. But not being able to do something about it despite having a doctorate degree killed me from inside, slowly, piece by piece, bit by bit. Even people around me had led me to believe that I was wasting my hard earned education staying at home when many others with a lot lesser qualifications were doing so well at their jobs. I had begun to feel cooped in the house letting people get the better of me.

I have always been a meritorious student and dreamt of being independent and having a lucrative career. But the reality of the matter was, I was totally dependent on Mr. Husband for the tiniest of things. It’s not easy to give up the control of your life to someone else. I admit that Mr. Husband is a generous soul who believes in equality, but it is I who feel disappointed in me. I had high expectations for myself and, so far, I’ve been a complete let down to my own expectations.

I constantly strive to make the best out of the worst of things. I try to find happiness in the boring day-to-day most trivial of things. But it had started to feel that my life missed its purpose and staying at home was a complete waste of my education.

Life isn’t perfect for anyone and I am no exception. And for a stay-at-home mom like me, it can feel quite discouraged at trying so hard at a job that apparently has very little thanks to offer. People have been saying for ages that having and raising kids is hard. I plunged into it knowing the truth. And yet I was struggling to work through these “long days” of making life happen, day after day, every day.

But does that mean I look down upon stay-at-home moms? No, I don’t. In fact, I have the highest regards for all the stay-at-home moms around the globe knowing how stressful life can be parenting these tiny humans. I have friends who are happy and content raising their kids staying at home. But the thing is I couldn’t picture myself in those shoes. I was having a hard time visualizing me just being a stay-at-home mom, and many a time I found myself thinking I was too smart to be simply that.

Getting tugged by conflicting feelings

Yet, I found questioning myself again. But don’t I enjoy seeing my son growing up? Don’t I love being a mother? Don’t I love watching him stand on the window babbling away calling out at chicken, pigs, cattle, and goats? Don’t I love being his “home?” And could I stand the idea of leaving him with a nanny and letting him get raised by a total stranger?

I was awfully restless as my thoughts and emotions began flooding and getting entangled in total disarray, making me more uncomfortable.

And it was then, amidst these conflicting feelings and vulnerable emotions, and amidst the perfectly-making-sense of “being unhappy” and “not being happy”, suddenly everything started to fall into place.

The existence of pain doesn’t always mean something’s wrong. It may at times mean that something’s right. Love doesn’t always call for us to follow the easy path or do the selfish thing; it asks us to do the right, the courageous, and the beautiful.

Finding gratitude in a thankless job

Motherhood is definitely a privilege that demands responsibility, but it never asks you to kill your sense of self. Shaarav is the most beautiful thing to have happened to me. He is the reason I wake up to every day. He gives me meaning and I love him with my life. I love being his mother and the fact that the life of this little soul depends on me. I am unquestionably privileged to have a miraculous baby to raise.

And the seemingly thankless job as a stay-at-home mom isn’t so thankless after all when those tiny hands hold me close to plant a kiss on the cheek, and I find myself reciprocating to them with my own gratefulness. Today I have the gratitude for life and these are emphatically the best years of my life.

It dawned on me that once these years go by they are not coming back. I realized that some things can wait while others can’t. Only I, as his mother, can mould and shape my child to become the best version of him he possibly can, letting him explore his passion and gifting.

The realization

I realized that my hopes and dreams can wait, but as a mother, I need to put my child’s needs above mine to raise a bright and smart kid who can make a difference. I understood that he was never on my way, rather he is the way. My child’s future depends on me, on the decision that I take today. And, his dependence on me has built the courage I need to make this decision.

Yes, I want to savour life’s precious fleeting moments with my child. Yes, I want to stay home for my kid. Because I want to be able to be content knowing that he is getting his mother to raise him and not a complete stranger. And my precious child is definitely worth wasting anything on.

The Takeaway

So me being a stay-at-home mom is never a compromise. It is not even just a need. In the very wake of the hour, it is definitely a “conscious choice” that I make today for me, my kid and my family. And if I’m not happy now, I never will be.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

My Mess-monster is Learning and Getting Smarter the Messy Way – Stop fretting about the mess!

On January 29, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Child Care and Development, Motherhood, Parenting2 Comments

I am a neat freak, I have always been so. I just cannot stand a mess. You must believe me when I say I become a maniac when I am on one of my weekly cleaning sprees, and by that I mean literally. According to Mr. Husband, I become this crazed woman and boss him around when he forgets to make the bed in the morning or wipe the floor after taking a shower.

The Lost Cause

But after the birth of our little 14-month old mess-monster Shaarav, I’m forced to, though reluctantly, let go of this habit of mine as now I am beginning to understand that trying to keep the house neat when you have a baby around is more or less like a lost cause. Well, that’s the thing; you can’t boss a baby (wink wink). Babies are meant to be messy, delving into their surroundings with gusto as they explore and discover the world the only way they know how.

Being a mother of a toddler can be a tough job, and more so when you have a handful one as my kiddo Shaarav. My little one surely knows the trick to create maximum mayhem in minimum time; he has got this exceptional talent which sometimes makes me wonder if he’s purposely trying to drive me crazy.

When Shaarav first began having semi-solids after completing his 6 months, I would jump up to clean each time he would spill or drop his food. But now I’m about ready to let go of this habit of mine and there’s a rather beautiful and one-of-a-kind story behind it.

The Story

Of whatever little time I get off of him, I use it to pursue my hobby of painting, crafts, DIYs, etc. Painting my heart out really acts as a stress buster. One fine morning when I had washed him up and he had finally dozed off after a thorough massage, I began painting. Shaarav at the time was about 7 and half months old and had still not begun to crawl. So we had safely assumed that he’s among those who would skip crawling and move directly to standing and walking.

Suddenly halfway between and still keeping things at a safe distance I had to go away to attend to a visitor at the door. I was away for about half an hour and when I returned what I saw not only did amuse me it changed me for good.

The Learning

Shaarav had crawled and reached for my colours and had created a colourful mess staining his clothing and toys. He had paint all over himself. Now coming to the interesting part, despite giving him various stimuli he would still not crawl, but the colours gave him the exact motivation he needed for making him crawl. Shaarav never fails to amaze us and though I had a long day cleaning the mess he had created, one thing I learned from the incident is that by not letting him get messy I was depriving him of a wonderful learning and sensory experience. So from that day onward, we let him hands-on allowing him to drop, roll, splatter the food and explore the different textures, colors, and flavours.

So people stop fretting about the mess and embrace the mess, you never know your kid just might be getting smarter in the process.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

Are you ready for a new perspective in relationship goals?

On January 25, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood, Parenting, Relationships5 Comments

When we talk of parenthood, the role of a mother has always been given an edge over the role of a father. None of us can really deny the fact that mothers are the ones to devote more amounts of time and energy in raising a baby than the fathers too.

Over the years there has been much written about how contrastingly a mother’s life changes after coming of the baby as compared to how it was before the baby. But, not many of us talk about how a father’s life changes after a baby come into the picture. So here’s a Husband and New Dad’s perspective on relationships.

How a Husband and New Dad looks into this new role:

When we first planned on starting a family, we had a pretty clear picture that the baby was going to change the present dynamics of our marriage. But just when the romantic flirty messages changed into the grocery list, the intellectual chat changed into pee & poop talk and the birthday & anniversary reminders changed into vaccination reminders, I am still clueless.

Nobody warned us about the plummeting our relationship had taken and the chaos the rest of our lives had fallen into.

During the initial months everything seemed so exciting and gala, but soon after I found myself lamenting how our love for the baby had usurped our very own love story. Despite the fact that our happiness knew no bounds – she was happy and I was happy, but together our happy “we” times went missing from the picture.

We now have more pictures of us with the baby than we have of just the two of us!

And as determined as I was not to save our “us” for some day in the future, or pause our romance for tomorrow or even wait for the weekly off to hold a kiss for that matter, I also didn’t want to rush her into it either. I understood she needed time to recover & heal. But I also couldn’t shy away from the fact that her drive kept on taking a reverse gear whenever I tried to reconnect. I had been trying very badly to be the people who once met, married, fell in love and had a miraculous baby. But, our love story seemed to be lost somewhere underneath those soiled diapers and laundry piles.

How Sex and Intimacy went down the drain:

Who wouldn’t agree when I say that intimacy is like the glue in a marriage? So exactly how was I supposed to react if she chose sleep over sex? And even when, after a long, challenging day she tried to pry her tired and sleepy eyes open to tend to “us” because that might be our only chance during the entire day, I felt it was selfish of me to make her go through this. I did understand that “us” time would be the last thing on her mind with all the tiredness & exhaustion and over-touching from those tiny hands and feet climbing and clinging to her all day. And as much as I would hate to admit – it did feel like I was not wanted, I was not cared for, when all I had wanted was a sense of belongingness, even if the thought crossed my mind just for the millionth of a second.

How reality struck hard:

Did they tell you before having the baby that life will be more beautiful and lovely with the baby?

Reality check!

They sure forgot to tell you how different that love and life you probably imagined before having the baby could be when you are sleep-deprived parents to a highly active toddler. I knew beforehand, life couldn’t be the same and I was definitely geared up for this, but I so wanted more of her, I so wanted more of “us”. Reality struck me hard when one day, on hearing my wife calling, “Hey handsome” I jumped in all excited only to find that it was for the baby and not me (sigh)! He sure is my baby too and he’s handsome. But ouch! That hurt, and so much.

How I started looking at our relationship in a new light:

But amidst all that chaos we still tried to laugh while cooking or cleaning, appreciate each other, exchanged gifts, even when they didn’t seem to be enough.

And just when I was beginning to think our relationship had lost its lustre, our marriage was far from being over, not even close. In all the drama going on in my life, I somehow missed seeing the bigger picture. This time around, she was the one to reach out. I’m glad I had the patience to wait and I didn’t rush her into it.

It was then I was able to witness how with each one of these challenging days passing by, we had been inching closer to each other gaining in trust, establishing mutual respect and building on faith. I had missed seeing how we kept fuelling on hope, enkindling belongingness and growing even deeper a love, all along the way, silently.

It just took me a little while to see how our relationship had metamorphosed and transformed into a more beautiful form, just as a butterfly does from a caterpillar, giving more meaning and depth to the relationship that we already had. Only my eyes were long clouded to realize how a whole new dimension of my psyche was born, as we lovers had morphed into something more.

We were morphed into parents.

Our “us” today is definitely different than what it used to be, and not always a “good different,” but I love this life we’ve created and how we’ve grown as a family. And I have never been this sure how this phase of my life has shaped my personality and given me a deeper perspective on love and sacrifice.

The morphed parents enjoying some “us” time.

Our relationship is definitely the most cherished aspects of my life, but the look of unconditional love that I see in those tiny eyes of my one-year-old who calls me “Papa“, and how my heart fills up with gratitude, love, and pride is beyond any word can describe and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

Breastfeeding: the Best and the Worst Advice

On January 25, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood, ParentingLeave a comment

Breastfeeding advice: the Best and the Worst!

Breastfeeding, is by far, the closest you can get to motherhood. And although not being able to breastfeed doesn’t make a woman any less of a mother, there’s no denying that there couldn’t exist any closer, emotional and timeless a bond between a mother and her baby than breastfeeding.

By breastfeeding, a mother is not only providing her baby with the best nutrition possible, but she’s also building a remarkable emotional bond, an amazing nurturing relationship and a sense of love, comfort, and security that no words can describe. Mother’s milk isn’t referred to as a “complete food” for the baby for no reason.

When I see my little one all cuddled, snuggling up to me when hungry and I nurse him gazing into those tiny hypnotic twinkling eyes clearly reciprocating and giving away the feeling of contentment and belonging, is sheer bliss. And when you can harbour such a feeling only by looking at it, it’s needless to say how living it makes you feel.

Sometimes it really makes Mr. Husband kind of jealous when Shaarav wants to be only with me when he’s hungry or sleepy or needs to be comforted. That indescribable experience only and only breastfeeding can give, and no matter how marvelous an experience breastfeeding indeed is, it sure comes with its own set of perks and challenges.

It’s really funny how we Indians consider it our birthright when it comes to giving away free advice; not only when asked but also when not asked, and also about things that don’t even concern us. When we first embarked on our journey to parenthood, there were tons and tons of advice coming our way from family, friends, well-meaning relatives and even total strangers, and plenty of them were also on breastfeeding.

Here I will be sharing just the best and the worst ones and the reason I reckon them so.

BEST ADVICE: “Take the baby off the breast at letdown, let the forceful milk flow into a burp towel and then latch him back on, and let him nurse when it calms down a bit.”

Despite some people’s popular belief that I wouldn’t be able to produce enough milk to meet my baby due to my smaller breast size, I defied all myths by producing such an oversupply of milk that it constantly led to engorged breasts and overactive let-down.

Now, engorged breasts alone can be a very uncomfortable state to be, and on top of it feeling sharp stabbing pains from the letdown can actually be really hurting.

Mr. Husband admits how pained and frightened he used to be watching me bite my lips and curl my toes in anticipation of the pain I was going to feel as I began nursing.

Yet, it was nothing compared to what we felt when we saw our little one gag, cough, strangle, choke, sputter, gulp, and gasp due to the forceful letdown as he tried to suckle.

Engorged breasts are difficult for both mother and baby.

Engorged breasts itself were discomforting for both me and the baby and the letdown would only make it worse as Shaarav constantly got sprayed with milk in the face (on top of all the choking and gagging). And as he gulped a lot of air in the process, he remained forever gassy and constantly suffering from gas pains. It was hard on both of us and breastfeeding the baby was nothing short of a challenge for me in the beginning.

And then came along this great piece of advice which made the breastfeeding extremely enjoyable and a cherishing experience. The above advice completely changed our lives. It was not only a great way of easing baby’s discomfort, but it also made the nursing time pleasant for both of us. Later, as my baby grew a little older, side lying position of nursing has also helped as the baby can easily dribble extra milk out of his mouth in this position.

WORST ADVICE: “Never ever breastfeed in public.”

Honestly, how lame is that? I mean, really?

But I’m not going to lie; we have followed it for some time only to get restricted on our outings and missing out on spending quality time with friends and family. I also refused to breastfeed in public as I was also afraid of people glaring in disgust and judging me for something as natural and poignant as breastfeeding (even with a cover, let alone without it) in the way it’s intended.

Let’s be honest, when it comes to our baby, the most precious thing in our lives, we sometimes fail to act rationally and follow blindly only to fall prey to this unending taboo of “body shaming” or “mommy shaming”.

But a very close friend of ours explained how it’s silly and stupid of us to feel ashamed of an act so natural. And it was then that we realized that breastfeeding in public shouldn’t either be something to be embarrassed or belittled about, or something to boast about deeming it to be an act of bravery and heroism.

Rather, it should be a personal choice depending on an individual’s comfort level and never up to somebody for approving or disapproving. It’s definitely inappropriate to judge and body shame mothers for nursing in a public setting. And it’s up to us to ignite the minds to get rid of such taboos and be supportive of breastfeeding in public as well.

I personally have never breastfed in public and don’t prefer doing so, but, I do not support people who look down at women who do so. It’s completely a personal choice and to each his own.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

My Post-pregnancy Care Journey

On January 22, 2018May 27, 2020 By Sweta KachhapIn Motherhood, Pregnancy1 Comment

I’m a beautiful mommy (I like myself to call that) to our perfectly happy and healthy 14-month-old. I delivered through a c-section in November 2016 and I had gained a whopping 20 kilograms during my pregnancy.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had grown so huge that random people often asked me if I were carrying twins. But I was soon able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, which caught many people by surprise. People also complimented me for the same and were eager to know how was I able to shed all that baby fat so quickly.

My Journey

Being a mother is a beautiful feeling, but mothering is a hard work and highly demanding, and in the overwhelming frenzy of being a good mommy it’s very easy to neglect and stop caring for yourself. Unfortunately, I fell prey to the same thing. I thought it was selfish of me to take time away from the baby and tend to my own needs.

But what I didn’t realize was that by neglecting taking care of myself not only was I risking my ability to take care of the baby, but also my ability to enjoy my motherhood to the fullest. So then Mr. Husband had to step forward and explain how vital it is for me to be well rested, eat healthy, be stress-free and remain healthy both physically and emotionally. So here I am sharing my post-pregnancy care journey, how I took care of myself (still do) and what I did differently:

1) Massage:

Having delivered through a c-section massage wasn’t an option for me until after about 2 months when the stitches healed properly. I was reluctant about having massages initially as c-section wasn’t easy on me. I was too shy to let any “maalishwaali” give me a massage. But Mr. Husband was adamant about giving one and after getting massages I was really rejuvenated. It helped relax my sore back and leg muscles, get my body toned. Not only having regular massages helped me get back in shape, but also fastened my recovery.

2) Eating healthy:

Eating healthy hasn’t ever come naturally to me as I am very fond of junk food. But when I was pregnant, I was overly particular about timely having healthy and nutritious food since I knew that whatever I ate would be directly affecting the baby. And I continue to do the same for whatever I eat still affects the baby indirectly if not directly. I drink plenty of water to keep me hydrated, which is also good for a healthy skin.

3) Taking proper rest:

Feeding the baby every 2-3 hours really took a toll on me and left me sleep-deprived (read turning me into a zombie – a Mombie, if that’s even a word). Well-meaning relatives advised me to nap when the baby naps, but you know it’s easier said than done. I honestly did try, but it only left me with pounding headaches. So, initial 2 months were really difficult for me until the baby got set into a proper sleeping and waking pattern. Now I enjoy good amounts of sleep if not for very long hours.

Happy to be pregnant! Pregnancy Photoshoot.

4) Exercise:

Having been gifted with an athletic body I never felt the need to exercise as such, but I continued having brisk walks and leisurely strolls regularly for an hour or so, both in the mornings and evenings. This helped me recuperate back to my shape and restore my health. Losing those extra pounds wasn’t difficult for me, all thanks to breastfeeding the baby exclusively for the first 6 months.

5) Personal care:

During pregnancy, I suffered from the skin pigmentation which resulted in dark and patchy looking skin. I had pigmented and patchy looking skin all over my body, especially tummy, neck region and underarms, for which the pregnancy hormones were to be blamed. I was very upset, but whatever I did about that didn’t improve my condition one bit. But now that those hormones are getting flushed out of my system the darkening is fading out itself. Still, I used to frequently lather those areas with a good moisturizer which also kept my skin moisturized.

6) Maintaining mental and emotional health:

Maintaining a sane mind in pregnancy and post-delivery can be quite tricky. All thanks to pregnancy hormones! With all the sleep deprivation, frequent mood swings (read anxiety) and round the clock demanding baby it can really get on your nerves. But a good mom is the one who maintains close relationships with friends and gets help when she realizes she isn’t coping well. She needs to talk to any trusting soul and ask for help if needed. I have kept in touch with my friends and other moms from my various communities to get all the information I need on baby care and mommy care and also ask for help if need be. It not only makes me stress-free but, also helps me cope better, have a positive attitude and get relaxed.

This is how I have been taking care of myself and now I’m far more equipped to raise a healthy child. In the end, kudos to all the mothers for their unconditional love for their little ones. And yes, we are definitely not being selfish by taking care of ourselves! So stop feeling guilty. Go on and pamper yourselves as much as you can.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine

I am learning how to grow my blog with Neha from Bloggingmadeeasier.com. In case if you are interested in joining for next batch – Join grow your blog challenge here (https://bloggingmadeeasier.com/grow-your-blog-challenge-fundamentals-of-a-profitable-blog/). Also read Lessons I learned from my pregnancy by Deepshikha, Power Yoga For Healthy Mind & Body by Silja and How I Lost That Baby Weight – 10 Realistic and Practical Ways by Kuhoo.

Mr. Husband’s New Year’s Resolutions 2018

On January 22, 2018January 13, 2019 By Sweta KachhapIn RandomLeave a comment

Image Source: https://www.google.co.in/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fs3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com%2Fmedia.littleconquest.com%2Fuploads%2F2018%2F01%2FNew-Years-Resolutions.png&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Flittleconquest.com%2Fnew-years-resolution-2018-edition%2F&docid=6ZYvemRcNmuV2M&tbnid=lPvBy1lHC5MG5M%3A&vet=10ahUKEwjU2N3XuerYAhUHKY8KHRXqCVo4yAEQMwgXKBUwFQ..i&w=642&h=426&bih=494&biw=1024&q=new%20year%20resolution%202018&ved=0ahUKEwjU2N3XuerYAhUHKY8KHRXqCVo4yAEQMwgXKBUwFQ&iact=mrc&uact=8 — Let’s welcome 2018 with an open heart!

So it’s New Year. And most of the people around the globe have already come up with their New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know what’s with me. I’m just not into making New Year’s resolutions.

Why?

Because I know it’s difficult for me to keep myself motivated and I usually tend to mess it up. So I’d rather not make any commitments than feel guilty later for not being able to keep up with them.

Image Source: https://www.google.co.in/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn-images-1.medium.com%2Fmax%2F455%2F1*_t7KQC-8tKO2wLSRzqfVhg.jpeg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2F%40rubychandu%2Fmy-new-year-resolutions-for-2018-7849c9f61712&docid=LDWravhqp1zZaM&tbnid=NNZpsOqUNpWAZM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi47uX8uOrYAhVI6Y8KHeGXDLYQMwhrKCswKw..i&w=455&h=344&bih=494&biw=1024&q=new%20year%20resolution%202018&ved=0ahUKEwi47uX8uOrYAhVI6Y8KHeGXDLYQMwhrKCswKw&iact=mrc&uact=8#h=344&imgdii=NNZpsOqUNpWAZM:&vet=10ahUKEwi47uX8uOrYAhVI6Y8KHeGXDLYQMwhrKCswKw..i&w=455 — Resolutions aren’t really my cup of tea.

But to tell you, Mr. Husband is very keen on making resolutions. He does it every year and more or less tries to live up to them. This year all his resolutions are mostly focussed on the baby and family. He’s is a Dad now after all, and that too, a proud one. Let’s see how many of you can relate to them. Don’t forget to mention below in the comments how you feel about it.

Here it goes:

Take heart people — yet another New Year is upon us, which means it’s time to make New Year’s resolutions. I take New Year’s resolutions as a tradition that gives me the chance to start over and make little improvements towards making a better & updated version of me and a better life. And rather than making unattainable lofty goals this time my resolutions may not be too impressive or too ambitious but definitely are realistic and specific. So this year:

I want to be the best father that I can ever be and by that I mean to be able to contribute more and be more involved in your life. For now, I can change your diapers, I can do your laundry, I can give you a bath, massage you, dress you and even feed you. So my next stop would be able to cook for you even if it is the regular dal.

I want to stress less and be more present with you so that I can look at life your way and find joy in the tiniest, most trivial and silliest of things even if it is following the trail of ants in the garden or jumping up and down hearing that yellow school bus honk at our doorstep. I want to able to relish in the little beautiful details in life, be it watching that sparrow sitting on the mango tree chirp and hop away merrily or watching that big pig sprawl lazily in the puddle of muddy water. I want to chuckle as I observe, learn, and love.

I want to be able to teach you different things, praise you and be proud of the little accomplishments you make even it be using the potty pan.

I want to take you out every day just to grab a breath of fresh air and get you acquainted with your surroundings and locality if it’s only for half an hour to the nearest grocery store.

I want to take each little breath to kick back, smile, and enjoy the present moment with ease. I don’t want to be so hard on myself and want to be able to find time to take care of me and enjoy some guilt-free “me” time.

And now that you are learning by watching us, I want to figure out a balance between caring for you and making sure to save some of “me” to share with Mrs. Wife, who also happens to be your Mummy, giving you a good example of a healthy and loving marriage and hopefully helping you feel more secure, confident, and blessed.

Bring it on, 2018!

Wishing all you beautiful people a Happy and Prosperous New Year 2018. So how did you feel? Could you relate to any of it? Let me know your New Year’s resolutions. Please feel free to comment on the section below.

Love,

Mrs. Sunshine