Early motherhood years are tough and trying. And as much as young kids act as stress busters, in an inexplicable way, they are also a kind of stress givers too. Well-meaning relatives who have managed to raise a half a dozen kids say and even I know that it’s just a phase, but at the moment it seems like an eternity. Though Shaarav has never been a picky eater and he seldom fusses about food, of late he has become an obstinate child with a violent temper. He refuses to budge if he isn’t given what he wants.
I have been that mom who has tried to handle the situation by love, persuasion, diversion, or even resorting to more uncalled for means like shouting and screaming. I’m not particularly proud of them, but sometimes things do tend to go a little out of hand calling for more serious action when nothing else works. I have spent an absurd amount of time cooking food that I know he loves only to find out that he wants entirely something else at the moment. And believe me, no amount of reasoning works with a headstrong almost three-year-old. And of late I have been talking and shouting and screaming so much that I have begun to get irritated at the sound of my own voice. Why does motherhood have to involve so much talking? Not that I’m complaining or I don’t love talking but it is insane how much talking motherhood involves every day.
I know a couple of moms with children the same age as Shaarav who are also going through the same phase, and stressing over the same things. We try to derive relief and satisfaction from knowing that we are not alone and how familiar our worries feel.
Motherhood is unlike any other job in the whole world – you never get off the clock. But then, there’s no better job than motherhood. After having legitimately worn out at work and having a frustrating episode of mothering with my unreasonable toddler in addition to having a hotchpotch of other confusing mothering feelings, when my little one snuggles into me finding comfort in my arms I feel perplexed from a feeling of contrastingly mixed emotions.
There’s no denying that parenting is tough and motherhood is indeed confusing but what’s also true is the love. So even when I’m stressed with responsibilities that come with helping this tiny human grow up the way I’d like him to, I constantly need to make a conscious choice to never give in. I constantly need to remind myself to enjoy this phase because I won’t be having these same worries once he grows up a little. And for that very reason, I need to remember to worry a teensy-weensy bit less and take in the absolute love that being a mother brings; even when at the end of the day, after being spent at work it becomes a hell lot difficult to remember this.
I consider motherhood to be a lifetime experience which is full of conscious, effortful choices that I make every day. And I want it to be coloured and shaped with the right kind of choices that I make and the right kind of attitude that I bring in with me. So I work double as hard and with as much gratitude and love I can muster. And though I am more of a ‘word person’ when being a mom becomes overly overwhelming, I try to make my love for my child known to him by kissing his booboos, answering his nonsensical questions a 100th time and sometimes giving in to his unreasonable demands.
A mother’s heart is never off duty. But, I do not want to indulge myself in over thinking about my child in a manner that’s unhealthy or obsessive, but is like a fragrance that constantly surrounds me with love and freshness. And for that, I need to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things it’s really just a phase.
This post is a part of the theme “My Cup of Motherhood” on which you can read my first post “The Truth Behind My Picture Perfect Motherhood”here and the theme reveal here.
P.S. I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
Have you wondered what picture-perfect motherhood might be like for you? I imagine it to be like the one where I am utter patient with my child, where I refrain from shouting at him out of frustration because he spilled water again and I need to clean it up or I come back home tired wanting to lie down for some time only to find a whole pile of toys scattered all over the bed. Picture-Perfect motherhood for me would be where he listens to me once for a change and does exactly what he’s being asked to do. Sigh! Wouldn’t life be so much easier and so much beautiful if we had everything our way? But the reality is entirely different from what we want and how it is.
These past three months that I have been working I have been juggling my life. I wake up at 5 am in the morning and the first thing I do is put dirty laundry in the washing machine. Then I begin to cook and clean which I try to complete by 7 am because by that time it’s already time to wake Shaarav up and get him ready for school. I completely need to be with Shaarav until 8 am at which he leaves for school. During that one hour, I need to wake him up, make him brush his teeth, bathe him, massage and change and feed him and get him ready for school. Believe me, getting through this one hour daily is the toughest and the most draining hour of my entire day. It’s a real struggle with a toddler who wants to sleep a little more and doesn’t want to wake up, or takes an eternity to brush his teeth asking for more toothpaste repeatedly, or is reluctant to take a bath or refuses to come out of the tub or wants to wear jeans and redshirt when I picked black trousers and yellow T-shirt for him to wear, or when he wants to eat bread and jam when I prepared aaloo paranthas for him after confirming with him thrice. And mind you, these are just some of the unreasonable demands that I need to entertain and honour every day.
I try to maintain my calm and not lose my patience, but going through all this daily besides solo parenting when I have a schedule to maintain because I have to catch a 9.30 am bus to office if I don’t want to get late is insane. I feel I don’t get enough time for myself anymore because after returning from work when all I want is to lie down for some time and check my Emails, Facebook or WhatsApp my son comes running up to me with his favourite storybook asking me to put my phone away and tell him the same story a 100th time.
And I have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from scolding him and consciously take a few deep breaths to curb my rising frustration before I take the storybook from him with a smile, pick him up and place him on my lap kissing him on his cheeks and begin our storytelling session.
When I thoroughly believed that my life as a stay-at-home mom was tough I am realizing that my life as a working mom has become a whole lot tougher. I constantly have to deal with a guilty conscience for not being able to make enough time for my son anymore – for not being a perfect mother to my child. I constantly find myself torn apart by the conflicting feelings of wanting some time off for myself and then ending up feeling that I wasted the time which I could have given to my son. I feel like I could go crazy dealing with this every day.
But a growing realization that I had not so long ago is that in my pursuit of being an ideal mother I had stopped being a real one. But now I have understood that it’s not wrong to idealize motherhood, but the kind of mother that I have been idealizing isn’t the mother that lives the same life as me. Reality is that there’s no perfect motherhood and there’s no perfect, one-size-fits-all love. When I first met Mr. Husband, I remember having the feeling that I couldn’t love another human more until I met my son. I look at him and it feels he’s enough and more I could have ever asked for. My life derives its very meaning from his existence. And I might not be a perfect mother or I might not even don picture-perfect motherhood, but one thing I’m very sure of is that I can love my son perfectly despite my lack of perfection.
And for that I need to be kind – kind not just to my innocent child but kind to me as well, for I have been harsh on myself for way too long. I need to choose kindness over harsh judgement because if there’s one thing I ever want to do perfectly is to make my son feel free and safe by my love. And love can feel safe only when there’s acceptance – acceptance that the real motherhood is as beautiful as or even more beautiful than picture-perfect motherhood, and that I might never be a perfect mother but I can be the perfect me.
A “happy” stay-at-home mom might come as a myth to many. Why you ask? Because statistically speaking, the stay-at-home moms are the ones prone to boredom, anxiety, depression, and aggression owing to their demanding, exhausting and isolating nature of work that can be too taxing on their mental wellbeing.
I’m a doctoral degree holder and I have been a meritorious student all my student life. But presently I’m “just” a stay-at-home mom. Did you get offended when I said “just” a stay-at-home mom? Yeah! Even I was among those who didn’t feel proud of my “not-so-job-like job” as a stay-at-home mom. And trust me; the pride that I am taking today in being one didn’t come overnight. It has gradually grown with time simultaneously with my son. And today, after more than two years into it, I cannot emphasize enough how proud and thankful I feel for the opportunity.
So, does it even cross my mind even for a second that I’m wasting my hard earned education?
Never! Never ever!
My education is being put to good use. It’s just that having a career is not one of them at the moment. So what if I don’t get accolades and recognition for what I do. So what if I don’t draw a handsome paycheque for the time and energy I invest in my little man. Instead of leaves I get unannounced wet kisses, smothered all over my face. No employer can be so generous I’m sure. Instead of appraisals, I get plenty of “I love you, mommy” in a single day. How about that? Instead of health coverage I am asked, “What’s wrong or All OK?” several times during the day. Can any job in the whole wide world be so satisfying? It’s surreal!
True happiness comes from satisfaction, right? And being happy is what I choose every day. So how exactly I’m a “happy” stay-at-home mom?
1) I’m happy by making sense out of nonsense
It was sleep time for my son. My toddler doesn’t go to sleep without his favourite blanket. And I have to wash it and get it dried in a single day for it to be available for him. So on one such day when he asked me about it, I said, “It’s right there. Let me bring it.” And I went and brought it to him. But he started to cry saying he wants to bring it. So I went and kept it back for him to bring. But again, he started to cry, saying, “Mummy will bring.” I brought it again, but he again wanted to bring it by himself. This continued for a good 15 minutes in a loop when I finally gave up and yelled at him for being so unreasonable. The poor soul started to cry again, yet, he came up to me, climbed on my lap and snuggled into my arms only to fall asleep within minutes even when I was the one at fault to hurt his feelings. And it was then that it perfectly made sense. Sometimes you derive happiness from the most nonsensical and illogical things. I will always be his happy place and that makes me so happy. No matter what, he will come to me for both comfort when he’s in distress and for rejoicing when he’s happy. So does it matter if just a second before I was scratching my head in complete confusion, unable to comprehend his behaviour? My toddler is unpredictable and his actions unexplainable but with him, I’m learning to make sense out of the nonsense.
2) I am happy by finding music in noise
Even if you have read several books on parenting I’m sure you would have been confronted with occasions when none of the parenting mantras work. At some point or the other, you must have felt clueless without a sense of direction. Are you nodding in approval? Because children come with all sorts of hues and shades of moods and which shade becomes their current favourite is very difficult to guess. And, there’s no such thing as universal parenting, which can suit every child. So even when Shaarav’s terrible twos have barely begun I still get meltdowns every now and then. There are screaming and howling directed towards me for literally no reason. But when I pick him up and hold him close he hugs me tightly. And in the moments for which the hug lasts, I feel his heart-beat in sync with mine that beat together in unison. When I am about to lose it all I rather choose to stay calm. I am learning to find music in noise because if I cannot tame my own temper how am I going to help him in expressing his feelings and emotions? This way I’m better in rhythm with his moods and feelings.
3) I’m happy by hearing what’s not spoken
My child is my best critic. I mean he’s the only one who gives me feedbacks that are unbiased and far from being formal. I ask him, “Did you eat your tiffin?” and he’d say, “Finished” and I check his lunch box only to find it untouched. And I take a mental note for not sending sautéed French beans for his tiffin again. I ask him, “I’m preparing oats for dinner. Is it OK?” and he’d say, “No” only to find him finishing off his plate within minutes. And I again take a mental note that he likes oats. Some days he says stuff he means it, while on other days he says one thing but means entirely the other thing. But the mommy in me is learning to hear what’s not spoken and I feel happy when I ace it.
4) I’m happy by taking what’s not given
My toddler finds immense happiness in dancing in my arms, jumping on my back, pulling my hair and tickling me, which I find extremely annoying. But I understand that this is his way of reminding me that all he wants is me – to be beside me and explore the world with me. I understand that even if I have no chance at winning myself “the best employee of the year award” I’ll still have my son as my biggest true fan. And while I don’t get to throw parties for big success at work I’m happy to celebrate my little accomplishments with Pizza party. I’m still learning to take what’s not given.
5) I’m happy by staying fixed even when I’m broken
And for all the above-mentioned reasons, even when I struggle through the day to not get upset and unleash my temper on my toddler because he unfolded the laundry the eighth time I folded it back, I still prepare his favourite Soyabean chilly for lunch. Because I’m happy to watch that spark in his eyes and that big grin on his face when he sees his favourite food on the plate. I’m learning to keep it together even when I’m on the verge of breaking loose.
True womanhood is about identifying the real you. It is about chasing your dreams and making them come true. It is about empowerment and what makes you happy. Motherhood is a truly empowering spirit and I have realized that if you’re unhappy with the choices you’ve made you can never really enjoy the exceptionally rewarding experience and joy that motherhood has to offer. And happiness comes from the satisfaction.
A “happy” stay-at-home mom is not a myth. Actually, the reality is far from it and I’m a living example. Because when being a mom itself is hard, being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom is definitely harder. But happiness is a choice that I choose every day despite all sorts of challenges and setbacks that I face time and again. Because it is not happy people who are thankful but it is thankful people who are happy. And I’m thankfully happy to be blessed with the opportunity and privilege to pour and invest myself and my time in raising my son. Even though it is exhausting and I’m left feeling burned out I am happy watching my son grow into an intelligent, kind and compassionate little man. And I have immense satisfaction in knowing that being a “happy” stay-at-home mom, I have the privilege to be a part of my child’s life and to be happily present for him physically and emotionally, be it tending or toiling.
This post is a part of the #MomsSpeakUp Blog Train hosted by Prisha and Nayantara. I would like to thank Ravijot Kaur for introducing me. Read their take on the prompt here. I would like to introduce Anoushka Singhal. I’m sure you will enjoy reading her take on the prompt here. Please check out other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
Enjoying some fun time with my munchkin because I have been that Mom
Motherhood comes in seasons and I am in that season of motherhood where the heat of the season is getting to my head. I am exhausted and ragged to the bone most of the time, burdened with responsibilities which keep on mounting and doesn’t seem to end. Yes, I have been that Mom.
There are moments of spectacular delight like yesterday when my little munchkin Shaarav came up to me unannounced and started saying, “Mummy-stan up (stand up)-dance, mummy-stan up-dance” on repeat mode. It’s a delight because 1) he’s just 18 months old and learning to talk with his two-to-three-word sentences 2) I’m hearing him speak this for the first time and 3) I am surprised how he learned to say this because, apparently, I don’t remember teaching him. He brings me sheer delight in moments when asked to say sorry, he holds my ears instead of his and says, “Sooweeeee.” And suddenly in the middle of his play, when he comes and sits beside me and says, pinching my cheeks, “Cheek, Cheek, Cheek” (because he learned to tell cheek and chin last week) or when after waking up in the morning, the first thing he does is come to find me in the kitchen and greet me with his brightest smile, or those times when I find him trying to repeat my ‘go to’ words in his baby voice and looking at me for approval. How I wish I get to soak in moments only like these!
But then, motherhood is also made up of moments when I find myself struggling to make through the day, feeling heavy and tired from lack of sleep, round-the-clock demands of an active toddler and heaping undone chores. Moments like these, give me nightmares when he pulls my hair, bites me at whatever place he can find, playfully hits me (though it still hurts) with whatever he gets his hands at, never lets me nap if he’s awake, sits on me, jumps on me, stands on me, scrambles my kitchen or strews his toys all over the house.
Shaarav tests my patience in a way no one else can. He will repeatedly do things he’s not asked to, driving me crazy and making me lose my temper. I think he purposely picks the dustbin and litters around, scatters my kitchen again the fifth time I arranged it in the day, climbs the dining table and occasionally fusses about food only to annoy me. Because he is exactly the opposite when he’s with his father. He is so well-behaved around him. That is the case with stay-at-home-moms, at the end of the day, we both want to break free from each other’s company and let out cries of joy the instant we hear the doorbell ring. We both jump to open the door to Mr. Husband and find relief from each other. It hurts and feels guilty, sometimes, for being happy to be away from him. And I feel that I completely fail as a mother not just in doing my mommy duties properly, but also for not being able to instil good manners in him. I feel like a bad mother, guilty for not being a good mom and that his behaviour towards me is a result of my actions towards him.
Patience has never been my greatest virtue. And because of my toddler throwing tantrums, I often find myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And as a result, very often I lose my temper, but how I wish to be like those moms who follow gentle parenting. Some days go by so smooth that I need to pinch myself if I am dreaming. But some days nothing seems to work at all – positive parenting, negative parenting, TV, chips, chocolates (anything and everything for that last strand of sanity). But nothing works. Nothing at all. And the patience of an already patience-deprived mom gets all thinner and thinner. And several times throughout the day I feel like I am failing him as a mother.
Often I have this strikingly contrasting feelings of deep motherly love interspersed with feelings of deep mommy guilt. I am angry and frustrated for struggling to hold it together. Part of my anger I get as heredity from my father, part of it stems from utter exhaustion, part from my toddler’s erratic behaviour and him wreaking havoc in the entire house, but mostly just because of me. But then, I constantly feel guilty when I lose my patience and deal with the situation outside of what I believe to be ideal. I often feel like I am falling into an abscess of insanity and I feel like all I have been doing is yelling and screaming at him when all I want is to be a patient mother, be present for him and having fun together.
I have watched my sanity and patience run out on several occasions earlier, but the other day I completely lost it and spanked my son. Yes, that’s a starkly naked truth and you can judge me all you want. Yes, I have been that mom. Yes, I spanked him in the spur of the moment as I ran out of my patience. I can’t remember what it was for but I was completely aghast and scared out of my wits about how my temper had unleashed on my small kid. And, immediately after, I felt immensely terrible and even before ‘he’ could begin crying I had already started to cry. I have been in tears before for yelling at him, but this was like no other and entirely different altogether.
I cannot begin to (but still dare to) describe how ashamed and embarrassed I am about it. This was one of those times when my lack of patience and sanity gave way to this tremendous meltdown I feel so awful about. We both sat there crying together – he because of physical pain, but mine was more of an emotional one. I cried my eyes out feeling mortified as an upsurge of guilt engulfed me. It was when the crying turned to sobs that suddenly I felt two little hands cup my cheeks. Shaarav stood up abruptly to wipe my tears and with his arms wide open he started saying, “Mummy, hug, Mummy, hug, Mummy hug.” And all I could do was bring him closer to me, hug him tight and shower him with kisses all over his beautiful little face. He was all confused but still managed to let out a sweet smile making me smile back too. Yes, I have been that mom, too.
It’s astounding how children can be exceedingly forgiving without hesitations and reservations. And in that moment, looking into those little tear-ridden eyes but a still cute smiling face, I had the greatest realization of my life. I could see in those little eyes the pain and the love he felt for me – unconditional, selfless love. It made me realize that if my son could love me so much I could never be a bad mother. And, when I would have rather chosen to cringe and feel remorse for my own regretful action, that small gesture of innocent kindness from my little human motivated me to rise to occasions like these. And it dawned on me, it has never been a battle against me and my baby, but it is a war against me and my temper which I need to win and emerge victorious to proclaim the true spirit of motherhood back.
Such is the ebb and flow of motherhood. We are humans after all, and though we like to call ourselves supermoms, we don armours with little cracks shining it through countless battles of courage and valour like these. And I guess it’s allowed. And when my child can forgive me, it’s time I should forgive myself too. So, from now on I dare to break free and take equal pride in accomplishing the hardest job in the whole world of being a mother, and at the same time crushing it no lesser. Because just as my kid needs love, forgiveness, and acceptance I need them too. It’s time I should throw the shame out of my guilt and dare to own the compassion and courage it takes to stand tall for being realistic, honest and vulnerable at the same time.
So here I am, daring to break free of my own limitations and fringes to tame my temper. This fight is worth winning for my tiny human, who believes in me and loves me with all his little heart. Because though I’ve been that mom whose life is filled with plenty of moments that don’t make for pretty pictures, I want my son to have memories of me and our relationship which he can cherish later. So, rather getting drowned in the guilt-tide and dwell on the thing of the past, and instead of feeling sorry and get stuck, I choose to learn and redeem myself and let it go for once and for all. I refuse to get ruled by my temper from now on. I refuse to let go of my quiet amidst the chaos. I promise to practice grace to my little guy and myself. I dare to break free of my guilt, forgive myself and start afresh on my journey for my biggest victory – a gracefully realistic and a vulnerably honest motherhood, in its truest spirits.
And, as I sit to write this piece, I can see my mess-monster from the corner of my eye sending his Lego pieces go flying in the air, here and there (some even managed to hit me), and now they are strewn all over the place (even after being asked not to the 20th time). But I am sitting here keeping my calm and being chill about it though when I am finished, I will have to clean up the room after him. I am trying to be that mom who is good for both of us. The journey has begun!
This blog post is a part of the Dare-a-thon blog train organized by ‘The Momsteins’. Dare-a-thon features a one-day blog train with 29 daring moms onboard who share their posts on a Dare theme on the event of World Dare Day. This is my first ever participation in a blog train and it was really fun, exciting and a privilege to be a part of. In the same context, I would like to thank “the Momsteins” for letting me join for the fun. I would like to thank Sonia Chaudhary of Maxmumsonia for introducing me. Sonia is a fellow mom who shares the varied emotions of her motherhood journey of raising a lovely daughter. And in turn, I would like to introduce Akanksha of Mummatolilmissy to carry forward the train. Join her as she begins her blogging journey with this blog train. Please check out their posts on daring stories shared by them as well as other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
There’s so much more to me than just being a mother!
Now that Mother’s Day is just around the corner this post perfectly sums up my one-and-a-half-year journey as a mother so far. Earlier I used to celebrate Mother’s Day as a daughter, but after becoming a mother myself celebrating Mother’s day as a mother has been quite something. Being a mother to my little man is perhaps the greatest thing I’ll ever do in my entire life. Motherhood has changed me inside out.
But did you hear the news?
Motherhood is the new religion.
And I am a follower. Yes for me motherhood is not just a feeling, a sentiment or an emotion, but a religion, a calling.
Why do I say it’s a religion?
Of course, motherhood can’t be a hobby since we don’t collect babies because we find them cute or we are bored. But motherhood for me is definitely a religion because the amount of faith, belief, and sanctity that goes in it is comparable to any other religion of the world. Motherhood holds a distinct sacred place in a person’s life and influences and shapes her personality. This religion called motherhood is mostly moulded by the beliefs our own mothers followed and those that we have faith in. And just like any religion, though motherhood is extremely personal and mothers differ in their style of parenting, it amazes me how motherhood forms a common belief, a common faith that ties and unites all mothers across the globe.
I love being a mother and there’s no doubt about that. Since the day I became a mother, I have been striving to provide the best in my ability for my baby and to be the best mother for him that I could ever be. But not long ago I started noticing that in my attempt to wing this entire ‘mom-role’ I somehow started to lose myself along the way. I was beginning to lose my identity. And the feeling of not being able to recognize myself was awful. But I am happy that it didn’t take me long to come to this realization and I was spared from being trapped in the dreadful feeling of lost identity. Because I have realized that the deeper and longer I let myself into the situation the harder it would have been recovering from it.
I have spent my entire time as a mother thinking, searching and creating ways to make a perfect world for my baby to live and grow in. I have been putting great thought, effort and time in choosing the right kind of toy and activity for him that could aid the most in his development along with the fun and enjoyment. There have been countless hours spent with my toddler enacting rhymes and poems, calling and talking to animals and plants, dancing our butts out on some random commercial on the television and telling him instantly woven imaginary stories. Though the activities I do with him are never planned but yes the effort that goes in devising them are definitely careful and deliberate.
It’s true that being a mother takes up most of my time, but it’s not just that. This wonderfully gracious title given by my baby goes beyond just my time, it spans my space as well – space in my mind, space in my heart and space in my life. It has been so consuming that I had almost forgotten that before being a mother I was a good athlete, an avid reader, occasional diary writer, music lover, hobby singer and an art and craft enthusiast. My friends envied me for having such diverse talent and that Shaarav could learn so much from me. But since his birth, I’ve rarely had the time to follow my passion and pursue my hobbies. My time is so full and my schedule so jam-packed in creating a perfect world for my kid that I have forgotten about the things that once made my world bright.
Just a few days back, suddenly my eyes wandered over to my old diary that sat there on one corner of my desk. It once used to be an old friend back in the days and has seen through my every thick and thin. A little dust had settled on it since it had gone without being used for so long. As I began dusting it off so many memories attached to it came flashing back. A smile lit up my face and a sense of satisfaction rippled through my body as I began turning through the yellow-turned pages. At that moment I rediscovered myself and I made a promise to myself that I will introduce my son to all those shades of my personality which enriched me but was long forgotten. I made a promise that I will rediscover myself again, but this time with my son. Because my son needs to know who I am, not just as his mother, but also as a human who walks on the face of this earth with many other shades of her personality.
Yet I questioned myself. Should I feel guilty for taking my time away from my baby and wanting more from my life? Don’t I have the right to find more satisfaction from my life just because I am a mother now? As of now, my entire existence revolves around my baby and my entire being is wrapped around him. But should I let that be the reason why I can’t feed my passions? I love my baby with every piece of my heart and though motherhood might be my religion, I am ‘more than just a mother’. And just as I am not a blind follower of any other religion, I am going to keep my eyes open for motherhood as well. I don’t want to get so consumed, besotted or obsessed with motherhood and my baby that there’s no space in my life for anything else. I don’t want to hold any regrets later in my life just because in my constant focus on my baby I lowered my sight for myself and let my aspirations slip away. I don’t want to let the dreams and visions I’m passionate about getting lulled and lost because I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. Instead, I want to be that mother for my kid who inspires him to do more out of his life and to be more, despite the hardships.
It’s difficult to juggle different roles and find a balance between being a mother, being a wife and being an individual person with my own identity. But it’s important that I hold onto these different roles not just to have my sanity but also to make my son remember me not ‘just as a mother’ but also as a person who has passion, purpose, and personality. I want him to know me as a person who enjoys other things too just as she enjoys being a mother, and teaches him to do the same. I want him to know how he helped my heart to grow and make me a better person. And wanting to rediscover my own self and my own identity isn’t going to change my love for my son and the fact that I am his mother.
All this while I had let myself lose amidst my endeavour to provide a perfect world for my son. I had forgotten about the little pleasures and relishes that I found in life before he was born. I had let myself get lost in the shuffle of life. But now it’s time to step back and have my own identity. It’s time to reclaim my passions that I had set aside for some tomorrow. It’s time for me to remember I am so much ‘more than just a mother’. It’s time to re-learn and rediscover ‘myself’.
“Because though motherhood might be my religion, but I am more than just a mother!’
Happy parents to this adorable infant on his Annaprashan
This was about last year on the same day when we performed the Annaprashan or First rice-eating ceremony for Shaarav at 6 months. Annaprashan holds a special place in the Indian customs and marks the introduction of semi-solid food to the baby. Annaprashan symbolizes the beginning of weaning the baby off breast milk (or formula milk). Some families organize it on a large scale, but we did it just with the close family and friends.
We all know how each first-time is important in a baby’s life. But what marks the biggest milestones of firsts is the tasting of solid food for the very first time. And we as parents had an exciting privilege to witness the event as we celebrated the occasion with family and friends.
Though Shaarav began sitting at around 5 months and began showing interest in our food around the same time, we still waited for him to complete 6 months before introducing him to solid food. Before that, we weren’t even giving him water and he was exclusively breastfed. So to watch his reaction when he first tasted the solid food was just priceless. It marked a big milestone in both Shaarav’s as well as our lives.
Thaali preparation for the Annaprashan
All about Annaprashan Ceremony you need to know
“Annaprashan ceremony” or “Annaprashan Sanskar” is a popular Indian tradition which celebrates a child’s transition from breast milk (or formula milk) to solid food. It marks the beginning of weaning the baby off breast milk by introducing him to semi-solid and solid foods. Once the baby has his Annaprashan, he can slowly and gradually be introduced to a variety of other weaning foods following a three-day rule.
The ceremony can be performed between 5th and 8th months of a child’s life when the child is ready to make the transition from a liquid diet to a semi-solid or solid diet. Most of the families usually organize it after the completion of 6 months around the time when most of the babies are able to sit with support and have begun to show interest in food that we eat.
Shaarav in a traditional attire with Mommy & Daddy
For performing the Annaprashan ceremony, an auspicious day and time “Annaprashan Muhoorat” was decided upon. I emphasized that day to be on a Sunday so that all the guests could grace the occasion without much hassle. We celebrated the function at home so that Shaarav could be comfortable and take his timely nap without a fuss.
Maama applying Teeka on little Shaarav seated on his lap
On the day of the ceremony, Shaarav was bathed and made to wear new clothes. On occasions like these, we prefer to make him wear ethnic clothes to add up to the occasion. Before the rituals began I decorated the table with a flower flanked by ‘Swastik’ on either side in ‘Roli’ where I kept the prepared ‘Thaali’ (bronze plate). The Thaali was prepared by making a Swastik on it in Roli. The Thaali contained flowers, Roli, ‘Akshat’ (rice grains), ‘Kheer’ in a silver bowl with a silver spoon, a bronze glass with a silver spoon, a bronze ‘Lota’ with mango leaves in it, ‘Poori’ and sweets. Kheer is a sweet dish prepared with rice in milk which is offered to the baby as the first food. Kheer is chosen for the baby’s first food since it is prepared with milk and is considered holy, pure and apt for any auspicious occasion.
Maama offering Kheer to Shaarav in a silver spoon
At the auspicious time, the ceremony started with Shaarav being made to sit on his Maama’s lap (Shaarav’s maternal uncle). Maama is the one who is supposed to feed the baby with the first solid food. Thankfully Shaarav is very fond of his Maama and he sat on his lap very comfortably. His Maama then applied some Roli Teeka and Akshat on his forehead and purified him by sprinkling some holy water on him from the Lota with the help of mango leaves.
Naanu and Daadu taking turns to feed Shaarav and his expression in this pic is just priceless!
Then Shaarav was offered Kheer from a silver bowl with a silver spoon and Poori. Silverware is particularly used for the ritual since the metal is regarded as the most positive of the body. Following this, his Naanu (maternal grandfather) and Daadu (paternal grandfather) took turns to give him Kheer and he ate it making funny faces (giggles!). Later Shaarav was gifted with some gold jewellery, silverware, clothes, toys and lots of blessings as other family members took turns offering him food one after the other.
Naanu playing with Shaarav to keep him calm and entertained
My tips for a safe and smooth Annnaprashan
Our ceremony went very smooth and we sailed through it without any hurdle. But it did need a bit of caution, planning ahead and preparation. Here are some tips which can help you sail through it safely and smoothly just like we did:
1) Prefer the location of the ceremony to be your home so that the baby is acquainted with the place.
2) Limit your guest list to just close family and friends to prevent the baby from getting overwhelmed.
3) Dress the baby in comfortable clothes with soft fabric and no or little embellishments.
4) The baby should be well-fed and rested before the beginning of the ceremony.
5) Baby should be surrounded by known faces during the ceremony so that he does not become cranky and remains calm and comforted.
6) Keep toys or pacifiers ready and handy for distracting the baby.
7) The food offered to the baby should be freshly prepared in hygienic conditions and should be fed after washing the hands thoroughly.
8) The utensils in which the food is offered should also be washed properly and sterilized.
9) Keep a small towel or handkerchief handy for wiping baby’s mouth or to clean up any spilled food.
10) See to it that the baby doesn’t eat more than a few spoonfuls of food to avoid an upset tummy or indigestion.
Shaarav getting gifts on the auspicious occasion
The Significance of Annaprashan Ceremony
Annaprashan ceremony holds a sacred and important place in a child’s life as it signifies a marked change in his life’s journey. Annaprashan ceremony celebrates the significance of food as it provides nourishment to our body and plays a significant part in our lives. And yet again Shaarav’s Annaprashan ceremony proved to be just another excuse to meet relatives and friends and enjoy a fun-filled day. To read about Shaarav’s Mundan ceremony click here.
Love,
Mrs. Sunshine
The smiling faces tell the story of the fun and happy Annaprashan we had
Motherhood Bliss – The myth of the bliss or the bliss in the myth
In one of earlier posts, I wrote how my motherhood has been bliss – “If this isn’t bliss, then I’m not sure what is!”. Oh, it sure is. But I forgot to ask you to read between the lines. Since time immemorial, motherhood has been made out to be this state of eternal bliss of some kind, which obviously it is not. It’s time truth be told and myths be busted. Is motherhood bliss a truth or a big lie? Let’s find out.
There will be days when your world will be full of love and laughter, while on some days you might even regret having decided to have a child. Motherhood does come in seasons after all. Some seasons will be full of festivities and celebrations while others might be passing by in hope and wait for the festival. Life can seem pretty difficult when it feels to be tangled in knots that can’t be undone.
Motherhood bliss – The Dream
Sometimes I even find myself wondering and questioning if motherhood bliss is even real. Before being a mother, I had read and heard people talk endlessly about it in plenty, and that was one of the reasons why I was eager to become a mother, rather I was desperate to become one. I mean, who doesn’t go gaga over those chubby cheeks, want to coo over those rosy lips and tiny fingers or snuggle and cuddle those cute little bundles of softness. Well, I wanted to, to have my own to hold and love. Not wanting and having children is still not a thought Indian women are familiar with and is considered distinctly odd even for the Western women. But, hold your thought right there, I certainly do not need a child to fulfil my womanhood. I am complete the way I am. Read my take on feminism here.
Motherhood bliss – The Reality
I delivered this miraculous baby love for whom had been building the instant I knew I was carrying him. And I can’t emphasize how much I love him. But, it was after the initial cooing and giggles subsided that my eyes opened to this less talked about side of motherhood – the downside – the physical draining, sleep deprivation, whacky-frenzy hormones, postpartum blues, anxiety, sadness, irritability and crying incessantly for no apparent reason.
But I could not find a single person who could soothe my worried soul and put rest to that dull lingering feeling of sadness that ran on the back of my mind. Nobody talks about these. Even my friends pretended motherhood to be fabulous. But, I don’t know of one new mother who sleeps peacefully even for a couple of hours, let alone for long hours. It’s been 16 months I haven’t been able to sleep for a stretch of 4 hours straight. Sleep is probably the first sacrifice that a mother needs to do for her baby. Talking about hormones, my feminine hormones have been pretty much whacky since the time I entered into womanhood, then the pregnancy hormones wreaked havoc and again postpartum mood swings were the final blow. And who had to take the brunt of it all – poor Mr. Husband (Read my letter of gratitude to him here). I am not going to lie, there have been days when breastfeeding hurt and left me whimpering in agony and feeling terrible. Those days I kept reminding myself of the beautiful pictures and the wonderful feelings of motherhood that I had read about and imagined during my entire pregnancy. It’s tough not being starry-eyed with all the picture-perfect images you see on Instagram and Facebook, but, I have come to realize how impossible it is to visualize and imagine what motherhood is actually like until you delve into it.
Motherhood bliss – The road less travelled
Shaarav is a happy toddler, I absolutely adore him and never in my entire journey of motherhood have I ever wished I hadn’t had him. But when he was little, I did use to wish, that I got some off days and didn’t have to look after him all the time. Sometimes, I do it even today when all of it seems a lot to contain, even if it is just a fleeting thought, to stop everything for a bit. I like to be open about my experiences since I feel it not only helps me vent out my feelings but at the same time might even be helpful to plenty of other moms-to-be and new moms who are struggling and overwhelmed with their newfound responsibility. How I wish I could get the road of motherhood all mapped by the mothers who happened to forage the road ahead of me.
Motherhood bliss – The Acceptance
I so wish there were an apprenticeship for motherhood because at times the tending gets converted into toiling which becomes torture and leaves you frustrated. The sleepless nights of the demanding baby, day after day, was driving me berserk. And if I am being completely honest, some days were hell. My thoughts and feelings came as a shock to me as well and it made my heart swell with a sense of guilt for having a thought like that, even if it was momentarily. But I prefer to be rather open and talk about it than being demure.
Motherhood bliss – The myth of the bliss or the bliss in the myth
I do not deny the fact that I am in total awe and utter love of the magic that has been transforming my life into something that I could never have imagined was even possible. And here I am spending my days just staring at my baby sleeping peacefully; blissfully unaware of the turmoil my life has turned into. I love my son to bits and not in my dreams do I want to miss out on the tiniest minuscule moment of watching him grow, but, it would be wrong if I say I am lustily obsessed with him. Somewhere in the deepest corners of my heart, I do feel the slightest glimmer of sadness emerging from time to time for how my life has taken a drastic turn- how the things that were my top priorities once do not even make it to the list now. My bookshelves which consisted of romantic novels are filled these days with books of Eric Carle and Peppa Pig. Do you see what I am trying to get at? Some would argue that I could still keep those books, oh yes I can, but where do I find time to indulge in the luxury of reading my own books when my booklover son wants me to read the book where “the very hungry caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly” a hundredth time? So what if it has begun to get boring? Those looks of spark and twinkle in my kid’s eyes make me read to him once again. It makes me wonder where I lost the old me and sometimes even question if it even existed.
Motherhood bliss – The Challenge
Privacy has become the thing of the past. I consider myself lucky if I get my 2 minutes in the loo without my toddler peeping from below, banging the door, sticking out his leg inside the door or inserting whatever toy he finds from below. Forget about enjoying those long leisurely baths I once used to do. Most of the time I am busy planning and plotting for finding or devising ways to sneak in and out of the loo without getting noticed by my all-the-time-alert toddler. But all in vain (sigh)! I have become so busy that I don’t even find time to grieve for the things that once used to give meaning and definition to my being. They now exist just in memories. But yes, this lurking sadness is definitely undeniable and pops its head every once in a while. Many choose not to talk about it, but I, on the other hand, choose to acknowledge it and be vocal about it.
Motherhood bliss – The Realization
Here, I am not questioning “motherhood bliss”, but, as a matter of fact, I am trying to portray its true meaning and what it actually encompasses. I am not afraid of admitting my fear and apprehensions thinking they make me any less of a mother. I am ready to embrace the true motherhood bliss with all its seasons, including the tending and the toiling, and to delve deeper into the motherhood bliss unwrapping the cornucopia of things it has to offer. I have come to understand that it is okay to miss the old me, but, not get too overwhelmed with it. I have also come to the realization that rather than ignoring the drastic identity makeover, acknowledging the unfathomed loss and embracing the profound meaning of motherhood brought me closer to myself and my baby. It made me love motherhood more and that too, guilt-free. If it gives you some relief, just know that every mother has to go through these challenges only some are candid about it though. You are not alone in this and I hope I could be of some help.
Let’s observe this International Women’s Day by celebrating the change rather than ignoring it and enjoy the true spirit of motherhood the way it was intended to be – “a little more of privilege and a little less of sacrifice!”
How does it feel when the nurse hands you a bundle wrapped in new responsibilities? Congratulations, you’re a Dad! “Overwhelmed” couldn’t even begin to describe the mixed bag of emotions a New Dad feels. It doesn’t matter if the baby was planned or “accidental”, the truth is, the first few weeks of bringing home a newborn is daunting at both physical and emotional levels. Parenting is a daunting task and more so for the first time parents. New Dads are typically bewildered and confused, and find it difficult to process that they are actually a father, even after an eternal nine-month long wait. The news usually takes time to sink in.
Mr. Husband was in a state of utter bewilderment when our tiny human was handed to him. One can fairly get an idea of the extent of Mr. Husband’s bewilderment from the fact that each time when someone asked him how old the baby was, he would look towards me, pleadingly, asking to save him from embarrassment. Because, precisely, my man here doesn’t exactly know how old our baby is; leave alone expecting of him to remember baby’s vaccination schedule. Poor soul! How he wished the baby came with a user manual.
While to new moms parenting comes rather instinctive and intuitive since they are said to be “programmed” for this, for clueless puzzled New Dads it’s more of an on-the-job-training. Mr. Husband had to learn the basics, step-by-step.
So while Mr. Husband was uninformed and unsure about the whole parenting thing, it actually helps to make a difference by being a know-it-all-Dad. Here I’m listing 5 pieces of the solved puzzle from the firsthand experience of fatherhood from a New Dad.
The First Hold!
New Dad Puzzle No. 1: Why don’t I feel love for my newborn?
It’s said that motherly love is mostly instinctive whereas fatherly love is a learned behaviour. Mothers feel instant love for their newborns since they have been growing and nurturing them in their womb for nine months. But a New Dad may not feel the connection instantly. Though it’s common, to some New Dads it doesn’t come naturally. They find it difficult to admit and comprehend the lack of emotion and find themselves wondering if something’s wrong with them. Some New Dads even find themselves drowned in guilt and self-pity for not doing it right. But there’s no shame in admitting if a New Dad has problems bonding with the baby.
The Story:
For us, Mr. Husband felt that instant connection with our baby when he first saw Shaarav. They hit it off instantly. His bond to Shaarav is even stronger than mine. All thanks to me that I kept asking him to talk and sing to the baby bump throughout the pregnancy. He felt the connection built for the first time when he felt Shaarav kick in the womb. Shaarav had been responding to his Papa’s voice ever since. He would respond with an immediate kick or nudge whenever his Papa talked to him. Mr. Husband couldn’t thank me enough for this. But still, at times I could see hesitancy and puzzled expressions on his face which he needed little guidance with.
New Dad Tip No. 1:
Don’t despair if that instant love doesn’t happen. You can totally give a rest to the societal pressure of immediately falling in love with the baby as soon as you look at or hold the baby. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. In order to foster bonding with your little one, the physical touch and skin-to-skin contact is the most important. Talking and singing to the baby making eye contacts, particularly helps in a good bonding experience. The love gradually develops as you become an involved father engaging yourself in burping the baby, changing diapers, and rocking the baby to sleep. You are eventually, very certainly, going to fall for their cute angelic face, those bright, twinkling eyes and, boy oh boy, those perfect toothless smiles. And it won’t be late when you will find yourself basking in the glory of your own “masterpiece”.
Mastering the art of holding a newborn!
New Dad Puzzle No. 2: How to hold these tiny creatures?
Holding these tiny human beings can be utterly terrifying and extremely intimidating. They are so tiny when they are born and in a couple of days, they shrink even more, and more so when the baby has a low birth weight baby or is born prematurely. Newborns have a soft and delicate head with no control on their neck whatsoever and need constant support to avoid injury.
The Story:
Though Shaarav was a big baby compared to others, in spite of it, Mr. Husband was petrified to hold him. When the nurse tried to hand over the baby to Mr. Husband, he froze and just stood there for some good 10-15 seconds gaping at the nurse with his mouth wide open. I believe his jaws could have touched the floor had he not come to his senses in another 5 seconds or so. He had this bewildered look on his face as if saying they were committing a sin by asking him to hold this fragile thing. How could they? It was quite a scene and though my stitches hurt, I still had a hearty laugh. It was hilarious. I remember he had difficulty picking up the baby. And when the baby was handed to him, he would first take positions (deciding which side he wanted the baby’s the head to be) but after that, he would be just fine. Once he mastered the art, rest is history.
New Dad Tip No. 2:
The most important thing in holding a newborn is to cradle the neck and head in a comfortable position to give them support. Just don’t shake, throw or drop the baby. Put your common sense to use. Rest you must be fine and live to see another day and tell another story!
Their tenderly talking sessions!
New Dad Puzzle No. 3: How to soothe a crying baby?
Newborns can cry for various reasons and crying is the only way they know of to communicate and express them. So if they are hungry, or feel sleepy, or need to be changed or are tired or are sick, they are going to communicate by crying (read howling). Small babies can be quite a howler.
The Story:
Shaarav was a howler when he needed a change and Mr. Husband would wake up from sleep with a pounding headache all confused and annoyed. God bless him! But Shaarav has always been a very calm and happy baby and he seldom cried even as a baby. But on occasions that he did, he was difficult to calm and Mr. Husband, unable to comfort him, would just hand him to me to soothe. You see babies are intelligent creatures. They are brilliant at picking up emotions and sensing your fear. Babies are able to “mirror you” as they spend a large amount of the little time that they are awake in studying faces and expressions, especially their parents’. Babies use all their senses to identify and differentiate other people from their caregivers.
New Dad Tip No. 3:
Don’t take it personally when your baby begins to cry just looking at you or the instant you hold him. While it’s a good idea if you want to hoard on earplugs, it’s even better to know the tips and tricks of calming a cranky and crying baby. You need to show them that you’re confident, even when you’re not. Babies particularly begin to relax once they begin to feel your growing confidence. You might as well try rocking them gently as most babies love motion. Shaarav would also feel comfort from tenderly talking and enjoy the “one-sided” conversations.
I so love my boys!
New Dad Puzzle No. 4: How to change those dirty diapers?
For the first three months, there will be poop, lots and lots of it – in different colours, in different textures, in different smells, also in different quantities and probably in different sizes too. It’s always good to be prepared and stock up on diapers if that’s what you are going to use. Now changing diapers or even nappies for that matter can be really tricky when you have a squirmy and wriggly baby in hand. It might get messy if you are not careful. They can sweep their hands whenever and wherever they like.
The Story:
Since I had a c-section and was on analgesic I could not move. Each time the baby pooped Mr. Husband would run to call the nurse on the charge to clean him up. Alas! The nurse had enough and gave him a good scold (giggle)! She challenged his fatherhood and he took that as a challenge to master the messy art. There was once this very famous incident when as soon as Mr. Husband opened Shaarav’s diapers for changing him, Shaarav let out a massive poop-explosion and Mr. Husband was all covered in poop. That was epic! I’m sure he has lots of poop stories to share with Shaarav when he grows up!
New Dad Tip No. 4:
So to avoid all the mess, before changing the diaper don’t forget to place a changing mat beneath as you never know just when you are busy cleaning up the puddles you can get a downpour. Give your baby something sensory to hold, such as a musical toy, lighting toy or pacifier so that his hands are busy while you change without messing up. Trust me on this.
I live for moments like these!
New Dad Puzzle No. 5: How to make a newborn sleep?
Newborns spend about 16-18 hours sleeping. But yet it can be quite an uphill task to get an over-stimulated baby to sleep. Babies can both be heavy and light sleepers. Babies are used to living in close and dark quarters of the womb, and imitating the same helps them to relax and aid in making them sleep.
The Story:
I don’t understand what it is with Shaarav and Mr. Husband that they enjoy each other’s company a lot. I mean “a lot”. Although Shaarav is a light sleeper and tends to wake up at the slightest noise, he still manages to sleep peacefully beside Mr. Husband despite him being a heavy snorer. Take note, when I say a heavy snorer I really mean a really heavy one. I have countless pictures of them sleeping skin-on-skin on his chest. Shaarav loved being rocked though, but hated being swaddled and wanted his hands free at all times.
New Dad Tip No. 5:
Shaarav typically found comfort in the warmth and closeness and motion. He snuggled up cozily as he relaxed. So it would be a good idea to gently rock the baby to sleep while cuddling them as close to yourself as possible. Swaddling the right way can also come handy for those babies who like being swaddled. Creating white noise also helps as babies are used to hearing the humdrum of the heart and other organs working during their stay in the womb.
Basking in the glory!
The Takeaway:
Gear up guys! Fathering a newborn is definitely the most gruelling, demanding and messiest task you will ever do. You can only find solace from the fact that the adventure of fatherhood has just begun and the best is yet to come. Just remember, everyone has some bad days and that shouldn’t stop you from being the amazing dad that you are. It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent and there’s something wrong with your parenting. You are the Best Dad your child could ever have and nobody else can do this any better for your kid. Be proud! The time you spend with your little one enduring sleepless nights, changing smelly diapers, and rocking them to sleep truly defines and demonstrates a Dad’s love at its best. Be prepared to fall only to rise stronger. And enjoy every moment you can, including the bad ones, because whatever you do, you can never bring back this time once they are gone! And if this comforts you any, just so you know, you are not alone!
“A mother is someone who we’ve known longer than we’ve known ourselves.” I lost my mother when I was 20, but got another in the form of my mother-in-law when I married my wife. I could talk to her freely for hours about anything and never get bored of it. She used to tell me stories about how my wife was as a child and how she had grown to be the woman she now is. In the 4th year of our marriage, she had started dropping us hints that she wanted a grandchild and that we should start a family soon. She wanted us to have a baby more than anything in the world.
And then Shaarav happened. Our bonding had grown so strong that I used to call her up to ask her every bit about what my wife could eat and what not. I used to ask her what if my wife wanted to binge on junk food at this stage of her, and my mother-in-law was more than glad to tell. She was very proud of me and she sort of “kept flaunting me” among friends and relatives.
The Untimely Loss
But unfortunately, when we were into the 16th week of our pregnancy, she too left us for the heavenly abode due to a heart condition. She had a major heart surgery and she succumbed to it. My wife was devastated to hear the news and cried and cried and cried inconsolably. She was my wife’s rock. My wife never even got to say goodbye as she wasn’t allowed to travel at the time. I was devastated too, but I had to stay strong for her. I had to stay strong for our unborn baby.
My wife had so wanted to share the news of the pregnancy with her friends once she completed 4 months, but now she couldn’t without talking about her mother and controlling her sobs. She wanted to grieve, but she was too frightened it would harm the baby. She felt guilty for even having a life growing inside her when her mother’s life was taken, and this guilt was consuming her. Some days were like she couldn’t breathe, she cried so much. She still hoped it to be a dream – a bad dream.
From Being a Motherless Daughter to Being a Motherless Mother
We are well aware of the fact that a woman needs her own mother the most when she becomes a mother herself. But that was not going to happen for us.
She was now a “motherless daughter” who was soon to become a “motherless mother”.
The entire pregnancy she missed her dreadfully, she misses her still and she just wants her back, she just wants her here with her, for her. She wanted to share with her mother all that was happening to her, wanted to ask her about the things she was experiencing and the emotional stuff she was going through and the names she had picked for the baby. But the reality was harsh. She was no more with us and her absence is massive.
Time is a great healer they say. And not a day goes by reminding of her, but now my wife has made peace with the situation and takes comfort from the fact that though her mother isn’t here with her now, she has taught her everything about being a good mother just by her example.
I try to convince my wife that at least she knew about him, knew he existed, but it’s never going to be the same. Yet, we like to think that she is looking down on him, on us, and we try to look after ourselves as best we can, bringing this brand new life into the world. We believe “she is our son’s guardian angel”.
After Shaarav was born there have been some very sad days where my wife would just wish that she could talk to her and get some advice or even just a hug. And whenever I think of her I couldn’t help myself thinking how, despite my wife’s every word of caution, I still couldn’t resist myself spilling the beans and she was the first person whom I told about. And I very vividly remember how excited she was about the baby.
Finding Ways to Pay Tribute to Her
And now about a year and a half later, my wife finds ways to pay tribute to her. My wife tells Shaarav how much his “Naani” loved him even though he wasn’t born and shows him pictures of her. My wife uses this as an opportunity to bring her to life again through her stories, morals and all the wonderful things my wife grew up learning, and to pass on to him the same heritage. Best of all, she tells him about the ways in which she can see her mother’s characteristics and qualities reflected in him. The sadness never goes away, but this way it seems to get easier to cope with. But deep within, she has this gutted feeling that Shaarav would never really know his “Naani” and would have to settle for her memories.
In the whole turn up of events I have had to stay strong for my wife, for the baby, and more than anything for us, knowing that I am the next shoulder she would lean on. I had to become her next rock and I will always be.
Coping with the loss
Going through the loss of your mother while you are going to be a mother yourself can be the most dreadful thing to happen to anybody. Coping with such a great loss can be the toughest thing to do. But, it becomes a lot easier if there’s someone to provide with the right kind of support.
I lost my mother when I was 4 months pregnant. She was the most cherished soul and still is. Mr. Husband was very fond of her too. But till date I kept shut about it, never sharing a word of how I felt with anyone, not even Mr. Husband. Feelings kept building but I didn’t find a way to express it until today when I started writing my own blog.
Thoughts and feelings are many, yet, I find myself writing about her so consuming that I feel choked with emotions. It’s easier for me to express from Mr. Husband’s point of view than writing from my own without crying again. Mr. Husband is the kindest soul I’ve ever known. He has been an unfaltering source of my strength this entire time. I feel privileged and proud for having him stand by me, supporting me in every endeavour of mine, giving wind to my wings. Nonetheless, someday I wish to be able to share my feelings from my own point of view when it’s a lot less hurting to express.
I am a stay-at-home mom to our tiny-but-loud handful of a toddler who is my life and also my overtime job. Raising a toddler can be very difficult at times and our 14-month old, sometimes, can test my patience to the limits where I’m forced to shout at him. Yelling, though, is not a guarantee that it is going to make him listen to me. I know it’s not a very healthy way of raising a child and I instantly feel a sense of guilt surge through me soon after, but it is a way to vent out my frustration and anger.
Lately, not long since my tiny man turned one, there’s a storm of emotions building inside of me, which is constantly keeping me angry and frustrated; and making me snap at my little one for literally no reason.
But why was I angry all the time?
I couldn’t understand where all this anger and frustration was coming from. Once a happy-go-lucky girl I had changed into someone who wasn’t enjoyable to be around anymore.
What had gone wrong; and where?
I paused to introspect. And I realized that the reason behind me not being happy was none other than “me”. Clearly, I was not happy with the circumstance I was in. But was I unhappy? No, I wasn’t necessarily unhappy either. So what exactly was I feeling? You see, there’s a fine line between “being unhappy” and “not being happy” (am I making sense?). I wasn’t sad being a stay-at-home mom, but I wasn’t happy either. And I wasn’t pretending otherwise.
Striving at a thankless job.
But why exactly wasn’t I happy?
With a deeper contemplation, I realized that I wasn’t happy with myself because I was getting so consumed with my role as a stay-at-home mom that I was beginning to lose my identity. I was losing my sense of self. This wasn’t what I had dreamt my life to be. I kind of felt trapped in the situation, anxiously trying to come out of it but not knowing how to.
I’ve never been very ambitious about my career aspirations. But not being able to do something about it despite having a doctorate degree killed me from inside, slowly, piece by piece, bit by bit. Even people around me had led me to believe that I was wasting my hard earned education staying at home when many others with a lot lesser qualifications were doing so well at their jobs. I had begun to feel cooped in the house letting people get the better of me.
I have always been a meritorious student and dreamt of being independent and having a lucrative career. But the reality of the matter was, I was totally dependent on Mr. Husband for the tiniest of things. It’s not easy to give up the control of your life to someone else. I admit that Mr. Husband is a generous soul who believes in equality, but it is I who feel disappointed in me. I had high expectations for myself and, so far, I’ve been a complete let down to my own expectations.
I constantly strive to make the best out of the worst of things. I try to find happiness in the boring day-to-day most trivial of things. But it had started to feel that my life missed its purpose and staying at home was a complete waste of my education.
Life isn’t perfect for anyone and I am no exception. And for a stay-at-home mom like me, it can feel quite discouraged at trying so hard at a job that apparently has very little thanks to offer. People have been saying for ages that having and raising kids is hard. I plunged into it knowing the truth. And yet I was struggling to work through these “long days” of making life happen, day after day, every day.
You are the reason for my being.
But does that mean I look down upon stay-at-home moms? No, I don’t. In fact, I have the highest regards for all the stay-at-home moms around the globe knowing how stressful life can be parenting these tiny humans. I have friends who are happy and content raising their kids staying at home. But the thing is I couldn’t picture myself in those shoes. I was having a hard time visualizing me just being a stay-at-home mom, and many a time I found myself thinking I was too smart to be simply that.
Getting tugged by conflicting feelings
Yet, I found questioning myself again. But don’t I enjoy seeing my son growing up? Don’t I love being a mother? Don’t I love watching him stand on the window babbling away calling out at chicken, pigs, cattle, and goats? Don’t I love being his “home?” And could I stand the idea of leaving him with a nanny and letting him get raised by a total stranger?
I was awfully restless as my thoughts and emotions began flooding and getting entangled in total disarray, making me more uncomfortable.
And it was then, amidst these conflicting feelings and vulnerable emotions, and amidst the perfectly-making-sense of “being unhappy” and “not being happy”, suddenly everything started to fall into place.
The existence of pain doesn’t always mean something’s wrong. It may at times mean that something’s right.Love doesn’t always call for us to follow the easy path or do the selfish thing; it asks us to do the right, the courageous, and the beautiful.
Finding gratitude in a thankless job
Motherhood is definitely a privilege that demands responsibility, but it never asks you to kill your sense of self. Shaarav is the most beautiful thing to have happened to me. He is the reason I wake up to every day. He gives me meaning and I love him with my life. I love being his mother and the fact that the life of this little soul depends on me. I am unquestionably privileged to have a miraculous baby to raise.
Motherhood asks for sacrifice!
And the seemingly thankless job as a stay-at-home mom isn’t so thankless after all when those tiny hands hold me close to plant a kiss on the cheek, and I find myself reciprocating to them with my own gratefulness. Today I have the gratitude for life and these are emphatically the best years of my life.
It dawned on me that once these years go by they are not coming back. I realized that some things can wait while others can’t. Only I, as his mother, can mould and shape my child to become the best version of him he possibly can, letting him explore his passion and gifting.
The realization
I realized that my hopes and dreams can wait, but as a mother, I need to put my child’s needs above mine to raise a bright and smart kid who can make a difference. I understood that he was never on my way, rather he is the way. My child’s future depends on me, on the decision that I take today. And, his dependence on me has built the courage I need to make this decision.
Yes, I want to savour life’s precious fleeting moments with my child. Yes, I want to stay home for my kid. Because I want to be able to be content knowing that he is getting his mother to raise him and not a complete stranger. And my precious child is definitely worth wasting anything on.
The Takeaway
So me being a stay-at-home mom is never a compromise. It is not even just a need. In the very wake of the hour, it is definitely a “conscious choice” that I make today for me, my kid and my family. And if I’m not happy now, I never will be.
Love,
Mrs. Sunshine
Views: 1025
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you accept this policy as long as you are using this websiteAcceptView Policy
