I am a perfectionist and people who know me are well aware of how badly I want things to be planned, organized and executed to a t. And how incorrigibly cranky I become if the things fail to fall in place like the way I wanted them to. So before having Shaarav I felt that “I had it all together” but then Shaarav happened and all hell broke loose. Things have changed from being relatively peaceful to suddenly being chaotic and confusing. Read my post on “The Dilemmas of Being a Working Mom.”
Parenting can be a consuming experience especially when you’re a working mom who solo parents her hyperactive toddler most of the time. Time and again I have been challenged to my capability of being overwhelmed with my tangled emotions of having it all together at one moment while losing it completely at another and struggling to maintain my sanity. Mr. Husband says I worry a lot and that I should shun sweating the small stuff.
And, of late I have realized that though motherhood is tough and unheralded way too often the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be frustratingly tough times and taxing moments except amidst those challenges you’ll experience those tiny shining moments of pure bliss which would make it worthwhile.
I am amazed at how motherhood has made me realize that life cannot be lived and appreciated in retrospect and in order to do that I need to stop sweating the small stuff to live in the moment and be at peace. And as grateful I am for as glorious a blessing motherhood is I need to embrace and cherish each day as it comes however amazing or terrible I am at it. So from now on no more sweating the small stuff and diving deeper into the beautiful and fulfilling experience motherhood has to offer.
P.S. I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
Today I had a rather slow and peaceful day in a long time. And as I tucked Shaarav to sleep kissing his forehead, I found my thoughts meandering in the farthest reaches of my brain awakening the deepest emotions. Parenting is full of personal choices and a recent life-changing choice that I have made is joining work. I am now a full-time working mom.
Why life-changing you may ask?
The reason being I have joined work after having been a stay-at-home mom to my little human for a little more than two and a half years. I have talked a lot about my choice for being a stay-at-home mom on my blogs “Stay-at-home mom – a Need, a Compromise or a Choice?” and “How I’m a “HAPPY” stay-at-home mom?” But even after successfully being a working mom for more than three months now I often find myself at crossroads.
I have said this time and again, yet I reiterate that nothing can fully prepare us for becoming a mother despite our best efforts and regardless of the tireless pursuit of preparing for being one. When being a mom itself is difficult considering the constant, demanding and exhausting nature of the job, let alone being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. It’s no easy feat keeping another human being happy and healthy reckoning how uniquely complicated raising these little humans is no matter how well we contemplate the minutiae of motherhood. And as much as it may sound exaggerated I have found being a working mom much of a heroic feat.
I have never been a very career-driven woman, but having been raised in a middle-class family with working parents we have been brought up to believe that the sky is the limit and that we could achieve anything we put our heart and pour our soul into. But after starting a family of my own I was kind of squandering the opportunities wanting to work in a way that could fit around my family. And just when I was about to lose hope I was presented with the golden opportunity of joining work that not only met my criteria but was also paying me well.
When I joined work I was quite sure I could handle both career and motherhood without breaking a sweat given the fact how resourceful I considered myself. But each day as I navigate through the myriad of daily struggles, juggling work and family responsibilities, I find myself overwhelmed. Life feels like a race and every day is a battle against the clock. Trying to complete household chores sticking to a schedule with a toddler and finding the strength to entertain a toddler after a long tiring day at work seems a formidable task.
I underestimated the demands of motherhood and the difficulties of combining parenting with work. And to be very honest, I constantly feel burdened with the daily grind and frazzled with a mix of complex emotions. I’m grappled with the eternal guilt of not giving enough time to my son and not being available for him. And, despite making every effort possible, finding a harmonious balance between work and home while staying all sane feels like a dauntingly difficult a task. It feels I’m getting lost in the rush.
But, do I have the option of giving up?
I indeed feel such guilt and such longing, but could I live with the guilt of giving up?
It is puzzling and suddenly I’m not so sure about it.
But, one thing I’m certainly sure about is that I definitely cannot afford regrets. Regret is one thing I can’t live with.
Today I had time on my hands to comprehend my thoughts and emotions. And suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and it dawned on me that work-life balance can mean different things to different people. To me, it would mean enjoying my motherhood to the fullest besides having a career with financial independence. Ideally, I’d love the freedom of working from home or working part-time so that I can spend more time with my little man. But I guess that’s the duality of being a working parent and that’s something I’ll have to struggle with. I may, however, be burning the candle at both ends, the fact of the matter is, I cannot have it all.
But then, wasn’t I struggling as a stay-at-home mom too? So, what makes being a working mom any different? Let’s face it, all mothers, be it a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, don’t always have it easy.
And, all this makes me realize that there will be days when it makes complete sense and there will also be days when all of this makes no sense at all. As much true it is that I could be judged and belittled for my choices, it so happens that my heart’s also going to have these moments of doubts about what could have been. And my disenchantment with integrating work into motherhood to establish a harmonious co-existence will be making it all the more confusing than it already is.
But the one thing that stood out from all this mental churning was that if I am happy on the inside, I am emphatically going to be happy on the outside.
So, now the question arises, am I happy?
Yes, indeed. I wanted a career and I have it. I am thankful for the opportunity regardless of the frequent bouts of guilt for being a working mom. But, financial independence having a job entails is what I am really happy about. I am happy that I can now contribute to the household income and have greater financial stability. I am happier with the feeling of accomplishment being a working woman brings. And I am happiest with the opportunity that being a working mom presents for making my son understand the importance and virtue of hard work and why it’s important to chase your dreams and make them a true.
Am I satisfied?
Oh, yes I am. I am truly satisfied that finally, I get to carve and shape my career. I am satisfied knowing that whether I choose to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, it is my love, attitude, faith and trust in my choices that’d help raise my child to be a kind, happy and successful adult.
Am I at peace?
Oh, hell yes. There’s no greater feeling than knowing that I played a big part in my child’s upbringing and was there for Shaarav during his early years when he needed me the most. And now that he’s beginning to get more and more independent with each passing day, I can think of me and my career aspirations which I had been putting on hold for so long. So, yes, I am at peace knowing that I have been there for all of his firsts and that our values are now his values too. And, it gives me immense peace in the belief that I am making well-thought-of choices for me and my family in the long run – the belief that it’s all worth it!
P.S. I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
Early motherhood years are tough and trying. And as much as young kids act as stress busters, in an inexplicable way, they are also a kind of stress givers too. Well-meaning relatives who have managed to raise a half a dozen kids say and even I know that it’s just a phase, but at the moment it seems like an eternity. Though Shaarav has never been a picky eater and he seldom fusses about food, of late he has become an obstinate child with a violent temper. He refuses to budge if he isn’t given what he wants.
I have been that mom who has tried to handle the situation by love, persuasion, diversion, or even resorting to more uncalled for means like shouting and screaming. I’m not particularly proud of them, but sometimes things do tend to go a little out of hand calling for more serious action when nothing else works. I have spent an absurd amount of time cooking food that I know he loves only to find out that he wants entirely something else at the moment. And believe me, no amount of reasoning works with a headstrong almost three-year-old. And of late I have been talking and shouting and screaming so much that I have begun to get irritated at the sound of my own voice. Why does motherhood have to involve so much talking? Not that I’m complaining or I don’t love talking but it is insane how much talking motherhood involves every day.
I know a couple of moms with children the same age as Shaarav who are also going through the same phase, and stressing over the same things. We try to derive relief and satisfaction from knowing that we are not alone and how familiar our worries feel.
Motherhood is unlike any other job in the whole world – you never get off the clock. But then, there’s no better job than motherhood. After having legitimately worn out at work and having a frustrating episode of mothering with my unreasonable toddler in addition to having a hotchpotch of other confusing mothering feelings, when my little one snuggles into me finding comfort in my arms I feel perplexed from a feeling of contrastingly mixed emotions.
There’s no denying that parenting is tough and motherhood is indeed confusing but what’s also true is the love. So even when I’m stressed with responsibilities that come with helping this tiny human grow up the way I’d like him to, I constantly need to make a conscious choice to never give in. I constantly need to remind myself to enjoy this phase because I won’t be having these same worries once he grows up a little. And for that very reason, I need to remember to worry a teensy-weensy bit less and take in the absolute love that being a mother brings; even when at the end of the day, after being spent at work it becomes a hell lot difficult to remember this.
I consider motherhood to be a lifetime experience which is full of conscious, effortful choices that I make every day. And I want it to be coloured and shaped with the right kind of choices that I make and the right kind of attitude that I bring in with me. So I work double as hard and with as much gratitude and love I can muster. And though I am more of a ‘word person’ when being a mom becomes overly overwhelming, I try to make my love for my child known to him by kissing his booboos, answering his nonsensical questions a 100th time and sometimes giving in to his unreasonable demands.
A mother’s heart is never off duty. But, I do not want to indulge myself in over thinking about my child in a manner that’s unhealthy or obsessive, but is like a fragrance that constantly surrounds me with love and freshness. And for that, I need to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things it’s really just a phase.
This post is a part of the theme “My Cup of Motherhood” on which you can read my first post “The Truth Behind My Picture Perfect Motherhood”here and the theme reveal here.
P.S. I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
Have you wondered what picture-perfect motherhood might be like for you? I imagine it to be like the one where I am utter patient with my child, where I refrain from shouting at him out of frustration because he spilled water again and I need to clean it up or I come back home tired wanting to lie down for some time only to find a whole pile of toys scattered all over the bed. Picture-Perfect motherhood for me would be where he listens to me once for a change and does exactly what he’s being asked to do. Sigh! Wouldn’t life be so much easier and so much beautiful if we had everything our way? But the reality is entirely different from what we want and how it is.
These past three months that I have been working I have been juggling my life. I wake up at 5 am in the morning and the first thing I do is put dirty laundry in the washing machine. Then I begin to cook and clean which I try to complete by 7 am because by that time it’s already time to wake Shaarav up and get him ready for school. I completely need to be with Shaarav until 8 am at which he leaves for school. During that one hour, I need to wake him up, make him brush his teeth, bathe him, massage and change and feed him and get him ready for school. Believe me, getting through this one hour daily is the toughest and the most draining hour of my entire day. It’s a real struggle with a toddler who wants to sleep a little more and doesn’t want to wake up, or takes an eternity to brush his teeth asking for more toothpaste repeatedly, or is reluctant to take a bath or refuses to come out of the tub or wants to wear jeans and redshirt when I picked black trousers and yellow T-shirt for him to wear, or when he wants to eat bread and jam when I prepared aaloo paranthas for him after confirming with him thrice. And mind you, these are just some of the unreasonable demands that I need to entertain and honour every day.
I try to maintain my calm and not lose my patience, but going through all this daily besides solo parenting when I have a schedule to maintain because I have to catch a 9.30 am bus to office if I don’t want to get late is insane. I feel I don’t get enough time for myself anymore because after returning from work when all I want is to lie down for some time and check my Emails, Facebook or WhatsApp my son comes running up to me with his favourite storybook asking me to put my phone away and tell him the same story a 100th time.
And I have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from scolding him and consciously take a few deep breaths to curb my rising frustration before I take the storybook from him with a smile, pick him up and place him on my lap kissing him on his cheeks and begin our storytelling session.
When I thoroughly believed that my life as a stay-at-home mom was tough I am realizing that my life as a working mom has become a whole lot tougher. I constantly have to deal with a guilty conscience for not being able to make enough time for my son anymore – for not being a perfect mother to my child. I constantly find myself torn apart by the conflicting feelings of wanting some time off for myself and then ending up feeling that I wasted the time which I could have given to my son. I feel like I could go crazy dealing with this every day.
But a growing realization that I had not so long ago is that in my pursuit of being an ideal mother I had stopped being a real one. But now I have understood that it’s not wrong to idealize motherhood, but the kind of mother that I have been idealizing isn’t the mother that lives the same life as me. Reality is that there’s no perfect motherhood and there’s no perfect, one-size-fits-all love. When I first met Mr. Husband, I remember having the feeling that I couldn’t love another human more until I met my son. I look at him and it feels he’s enough and more I could have ever asked for. My life derives its very meaning from his existence. And I might not be a perfect mother or I might not even don picture-perfect motherhood, but one thing I’m very sure of is that I can love my son perfectly despite my lack of perfection.
And for that I need to be kind – kind not just to my innocent child but kind to me as well, for I have been harsh on myself for way too long. I need to choose kindness over harsh judgement because if there’s one thing I ever want to do perfectly is to make my son feel free and safe by my love. And love can feel safe only when there’s acceptance – acceptance that the real motherhood is as beautiful as or even more beautiful than picture-perfect motherhood, and that I might never be a perfect mother but I can be the perfect me.
“My Cup of Motherhood” is my theme for #MyFriendAlexa
Hello Readers!
Do you remember the month of April when I participated in the crazy BlogchatterA2Z blogging challenge? Yeah, it’s the same one where I had to put up 26 posts with 26 alphabets in 26 days. So you must remember how fun, exciting and full of madness it was. So, Blogchatter hosts another blogging challenge which is called #MyFriendAlexa and this year they are running its 4th season. I had been waiting to participate in it since last year when I came to know about it but was too late to register myself for it. But my wait is finally over. #MyFriendAlexa is here with its fourth season and I am all set to participate in this one of a kind blogging campaign.
#MyFriendAlexa Blogging Challenge
If you are wondering what #MyFriendAlexa challenge is, let me tell you it is an annual blogging campaign hosted by Team Blogchatter which aims to raise the Alexa ranking of one’s blog. Alexa ranking is a measure of one’s website’s popularity which takes into account the number of visitors and the amount of engagement one gets on their blog over a while. Depending on the same the lesser the Alexa number is the more popular the blog is.
So each year Team Blogchatter comes up with a unique plan to help fellow bloggers not just to increase their online presence by providing motivation to write for their own blogs that would aid in raising their Alexa ranks, but to also boost engagements by prompting to read, comment and share posts from other fellow bloggers as well.
So as part of the #MyFriendAlexa campaign, I’d need to write 8 compulsory blog posts spread over 4 weeks in September. Besides, I’d also need to read around 10-12 blogs each day throughout the challenge which would help me discover new blogs and new people to interact with. Had I mentioned aching eyes, cramped fingers and burning the midnight oil during BlogchatterA2Z challenge? It’s going to be a similar environment with all-day work at the office struggling to meet the deadlines and then coming home fulfill your passion. Mind you, just like BlogchatterA2Z #MyFriendAlexa too is not for the faint-hearted since it would require you to push your limits. It’s crazy, right? Well, I’m crazier and I’m hell-bent to complete it and give my writing inertia a little push to gain momentum. My writing hashtag would be #CloudndSunshineWrites and my reading hashtag would be #CloudandSunshineReads.
So, with that being said just like BlogchatterA2Z challenge I have decided to stick to a theme for myself to give a feel, connect and solidarity to my posts, something that my readers can look forward to reading throughout the month. And now, it’s time for the “Theme Reveal” and I can already sense the adrenaline gushing in me, that’s the kind of excitement all Blogchatter campaigns and challenges entail and is raved about. Excited much?
Theme Reveal for #MyFriendAlexa
The theme that I have chosen for the challenge is “My Cup of Motherhood”. Yes, that’s the theme I choose for #MyFreindAlexa. Not many of you know that I started working some three months back and it has been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride not so much for Shaarav but definitely for me. It has not just been a physically and emotionally draining three months but at the same time, it has also been an accomplished and fulfilling three months too. With time to manage, life to juggle and duties to fulfill, motherhood has become a lot more complicated than it already was. So these 8 posts are going to be about my recent tryst with motherhood and parenting with my little man. So join me as #cloudandsunshinewrites about #MyCupOfMotherhood for the #MyFriendAlexa challenge. Exciting, right?
So are you up for some serious fun? Keep watching this space for the whole month of September as I share My Cup of Motherhood with you all. Feel free to join me and share your views on the same.
P.S. I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
I am a stay-at-home mother and trust me it is extremely difficult to be one. It can get overly lonely, isolating and depressing at times. Being a stay-at-home mom is difficult and the never-ending responsibilities can feel like growing on you. There are high expectations of being a stay-at-home mom. Not just from the little human dependent on me, but also from Mr. Husband and people around me, but mostly the expectations are self-inflicted by my skewed views of myself and how I dreamt and envisioned my life to be. And being a Virgo I have a habit of being overcritical of things and in particular myself. I tend to over-analyze stuff and get worried needlessly. There was once a point in my life when I had lost all sense of self-worth and didn’t value myself. I constantly sought acceptance and approval of somebody for the most trivial things. I was at my lowest best and I had begun to harbour negative emotions, not for anybody else but for myself.
And then I came across this very inspiring song by Meghan Trainor “I Love Me.” There never have been more self-empowering words than these.
I’m sure I loved myself. But did I actually?
It hit me where it hurt the most. But before I could truly love myself I needed to discover the real me. I needed to identify who the real me was. When I started introspecting I became very vulnerable to my own thoughts and feelings. The guards which I had been putting up for so long were suddenly brought down. It made me confront with my own unknown and unfathomed emotions enlightening those uncharted regions of my heart. And I had to face my own deepest fears and apprehensions. But, when I came to acknowledge those unsounded emotions, I felt the power to transform those fears into something more positive and more creative. It helped me to contemplate and express myself without any reservation leaving me feeling empowered.
It was then I found a world of freedom – freedom of thoughts, freedom of expression and freedom of personality. I discovered a sense of liberation from hypocrisy. I found my individuality – letting me make mistakes, letting me learn from them and giving me the gift of experience. I could believe in myself and my dreams – to be myself. Not only did the song inspired me to stand for the values and beliefs that I hold true, but it also helped me discover the real me – the “me” that was lost somewhere. And then it finally happened! I was in love – with me!
I might be a “work in progress” learning to celebrate myself appreciating and honouring “me” for my gifts and talents along with all my flaws and shortcomings but I still, “I love me.”
I might be a “work in progress” growing in confidence and as a person and even when it does seem daunting and confusing at the same time figuring out my truest essence but still, “I love me.”
I might be a “work in progress” identifying, exploring and expressing my individuality and uniqueness. But I believe in my authenticity and originality. I represent my own style, character, and opinion and “I love me” for it.
I might be a “work in progress” still trying to come to terms with the true perception of who I am and testing my newfound courage and freedom but still, “I love me” for it.
And I have realized that loving me is the best I can do at loving others. I mean, how I could love someone else before loving myself. Today I feel closer to myself I have ever been. Because I not only love me when everybody does, but I also love me when nobody does.
And amidst all the chaos of finding and getting found, it suddenly dawned on me that there might be all these ideals about what is perfect and what is beautiful and what is smart, but the most appealing thing is, that which is “me” is nobody else. I am “special” indeed in my own way and I am going to live that way. I am happy loving me because it has made my life more enlightening, meaningful and fulfilling. And this blog, my friends, is the result of discovering my true self, where I truly embody my truest essence, setting myself free, feeling liberated, loving myself and spreading the word.
Ever since “I love me” more each day and this song has become my go-to motto and even now whenever I feel blue or need self-esteem boost I simply put the song on the speaker to get my groove back!
This post is a part of the #UnapologeticGirlz Blogathon Train hosted by Preetjyot, Jasmeet, and Charu. It brings me immense pleasure to share that I, along with 30 other bloggers are celebrating Women’s Day with a twist. I would like to thank Ravijot Kaur for introducing me. Ravijot is a strong single mother who is courageously raising her daughter. She shares the journey of her life with multifarious interests at Shining Shower. Read her take on the prompt “Self-love” here. I would like to introduce Revati Bhushan. A fellow stay-at-home mom she was a Soft Skills Trainer in the corporate world when motherhood happened. She now shares her parenting journey at Mommy Musings. I’m sure you will enjoy reading her take on the prompt here. Please check out other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
A “happy” stay-at-home mom might come as a myth to many. Why you ask? Because statistically speaking, the stay-at-home moms are the ones prone to boredom, anxiety, depression, and aggression owing to their demanding, exhausting and isolating nature of work that can be too taxing on their mental wellbeing.
I’m a doctoral degree holder and I have been a meritorious student all my student life. But presently I’m “just” a stay-at-home mom. Did you get offended when I said “just” a stay-at-home mom? Yeah! Even I was among those who didn’t feel proud of my “not-so-job-like job” as a stay-at-home mom. And trust me; the pride that I am taking today in being one didn’t come overnight. It has gradually grown with time simultaneously with my son. And today, after more than two years into it, I cannot emphasize enough how proud and thankful I feel for the opportunity.
So, does it even cross my mind even for a second that I’m wasting my hard earned education?
Never! Never ever!
My education is being put to good use. It’s just that having a career is not one of them at the moment. So what if I don’t get accolades and recognition for what I do. So what if I don’t draw a handsome paycheque for the time and energy I invest in my little man. Instead of leaves I get unannounced wet kisses, smothered all over my face. No employer can be so generous I’m sure. Instead of appraisals, I get plenty of “I love you, mommy” in a single day. How about that? Instead of health coverage I am asked, “What’s wrong or All OK?” several times during the day. Can any job in the whole wide world be so satisfying? It’s surreal!
True happiness comes from satisfaction, right? And being happy is what I choose every day. So how exactly I’m a “happy” stay-at-home mom?
1) I’m happy by making sense out of nonsense
It was sleep time for my son. My toddler doesn’t go to sleep without his favourite blanket. And I have to wash it and get it dried in a single day for it to be available for him. So on one such day when he asked me about it, I said, “It’s right there. Let me bring it.” And I went and brought it to him. But he started to cry saying he wants to bring it. So I went and kept it back for him to bring. But again, he started to cry, saying, “Mummy will bring.” I brought it again, but he again wanted to bring it by himself. This continued for a good 15 minutes in a loop when I finally gave up and yelled at him for being so unreasonable. The poor soul started to cry again, yet, he came up to me, climbed on my lap and snuggled into my arms only to fall asleep within minutes even when I was the one at fault to hurt his feelings. And it was then that it perfectly made sense. Sometimes you derive happiness from the most nonsensical and illogical things. I will always be his happy place and that makes me so happy. No matter what, he will come to me for both comfort when he’s in distress and for rejoicing when he’s happy. So does it matter if just a second before I was scratching my head in complete confusion, unable to comprehend his behaviour? My toddler is unpredictable and his actions unexplainable but with him, I’m learning to make sense out of the nonsense.
2) I am happy by finding music in noise
Even if you have read several books on parenting I’m sure you would have been confronted with occasions when none of the parenting mantras work. At some point or the other, you must have felt clueless without a sense of direction. Are you nodding in approval? Because children come with all sorts of hues and shades of moods and which shade becomes their current favourite is very difficult to guess. And, there’s no such thing as universal parenting, which can suit every child. So even when Shaarav’s terrible twos have barely begun I still get meltdowns every now and then. There are screaming and howling directed towards me for literally no reason. But when I pick him up and hold him close he hugs me tightly. And in the moments for which the hug lasts, I feel his heart-beat in sync with mine that beat together in unison. When I am about to lose it all I rather choose to stay calm. I am learning to find music in noise because if I cannot tame my own temper how am I going to help him in expressing his feelings and emotions? This way I’m better in rhythm with his moods and feelings.
3) I’m happy by hearing what’s not spoken
My child is my best critic. I mean he’s the only one who gives me feedbacks that are unbiased and far from being formal. I ask him, “Did you eat your tiffin?” and he’d say, “Finished” and I check his lunch box only to find it untouched. And I take a mental note for not sending sautéed French beans for his tiffin again. I ask him, “I’m preparing oats for dinner. Is it OK?” and he’d say, “No” only to find him finishing off his plate within minutes. And I again take a mental note that he likes oats. Some days he says stuff he means it, while on other days he says one thing but means entirely the other thing. But the mommy in me is learning to hear what’s not spoken and I feel happy when I ace it.
4) I’m happy by taking what’s not given
My toddler finds immense happiness in dancing in my arms, jumping on my back, pulling my hair and tickling me, which I find extremely annoying. But I understand that this is his way of reminding me that all he wants is me – to be beside me and explore the world with me. I understand that even if I have no chance at winning myself “the best employee of the year award” I’ll still have my son as my biggest true fan. And while I don’t get to throw parties for big success at work I’m happy to celebrate my little accomplishments with Pizza party. I’m still learning to take what’s not given.
5) I’m happy by staying fixed even when I’m broken
And for all the above-mentioned reasons, even when I struggle through the day to not get upset and unleash my temper on my toddler because he unfolded the laundry the eighth time I folded it back, I still prepare his favourite Soyabean chilly for lunch. Because I’m happy to watch that spark in his eyes and that big grin on his face when he sees his favourite food on the plate. I’m learning to keep it together even when I’m on the verge of breaking loose.
True womanhood is about identifying the real you. It is about chasing your dreams and making them come true. It is about empowerment and what makes you happy. Motherhood is a truly empowering spirit and I have realized that if you’re unhappy with the choices you’ve made you can never really enjoy the exceptionally rewarding experience and joy that motherhood has to offer. And happiness comes from the satisfaction.
A “happy” stay-at-home mom is not a myth. Actually, the reality is far from it and I’m a living example. Because when being a mom itself is hard, being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom is definitely harder. But happiness is a choice that I choose every day despite all sorts of challenges and setbacks that I face time and again. Because it is not happy people who are thankful but it is thankful people who are happy. And I’m thankfully happy to be blessed with the opportunity and privilege to pour and invest myself and my time in raising my son. Even though it is exhausting and I’m left feeling burned out I am happy watching my son grow into an intelligent, kind and compassionate little man. And I have immense satisfaction in knowing that being a “happy” stay-at-home mom, I have the privilege to be a part of my child’s life and to be happily present for him physically and emotionally, be it tending or toiling.
This post is a part of the #MomsSpeakUp Blog Train hosted by Prisha and Nayantara. I would like to thank Ravijot Kaur for introducing me. Read their take on the prompt here. I would like to introduce Anoushka Singhal. I’m sure you will enjoy reading her take on the prompt here. Please check out other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
Some beautiful moments with my mother from my marriage!
It’s been two years since she is not with us anymore. Who is she? She is my mother. Today is her second death anniversary and all the memories related to that dreadful day that is still fresh in my mind come gushing in. All this while I had kept myself shut. I had decided I would share my feelings when it would be a lot less hurting. But only recently I realized that there won’t be any time when I would not feel the void that the loss of my mother has created in my heart, and in my life. Tears roll down as I write this, but this time I have decided there’s no easy way to it and there’s going to be none in the years to come.
The truth that my mother isn’t here anymore took a while to sink in. I was unable to comprehend how she could have gone just like that. I had just talked to her the same morning, though not for long as she wasn’t allowed to use phones due to the surgery. My greatest regret is that I didn’t even get to say my final goodbye.
That fateful day, on hearing her sudden demise people had started pouring in, in great numbers. My mother was the kindest soul there could ever exist. The lives of the people she had touched, the lives of the people she had influenced, directly or indirectly, all of them were visiting to pay her their last tribute, to show their deepest condolences. They especially came up to me to console me as I was in the most vulnerable, the most fragile state anyone could be in. But my heart was beyond any consolation for the pain I felt was unendurable. I knew they meant well. But the loss was beyond repair. My life, my world was in a total wreck – shattered into the smallest of pieces which couldn’t be put back together even if I wanted to. I was growing an innocent life inside me, the most blessed of things any woman could do and it somehow felt as though it was the biggest sin at the moment.
And I didn’t want to listen to all that, “It happens”, “Life is cruel”, “It has happened with me”, “I know how you feel” – meaningless stuff. To all those people who kept telling me not to cry, not to stress, I wanted to shout to their faces, at the top of my voice, that nobody can know how it felt at the time even if they have been there, just nobody. And none of their words were good enough to give me comfort, to give me peace, which could take away the suffering; none of them at all. I was in a state of utter anguish. I wanted to cry, I wanted to mourn the massive loss and here people were asking me not to, as it could harm the baby. Instead, I kept staring at their faces, blank, without any expression, for being so insensitive. I knew they meant well, but I didn’t want their sympathy. I didn’t want anybody to pity me. I wanted to be alone – just me and her memories, and oh, my unborn baby.
I was going to become a mother myself and I cared least for the impeccant life growing inside me! I confess I am guilty of feeling that way when all I could do was praise for the blessing I was bestowed with when one life was taken. I was torn between what was right and what I wanted. It ached from not being able to cry as much as I wanted to for the very fact that it would harm the baby. I wasn’t even allowed to attend her last rites since I was carrying for some stupid custom where pregnant ladies are shunned from it. I cursed myself for it. She was my mother goddamn it. And I will have to live with this regret, forever.
Some lovely moments with my mother from my graduation!
For the countless days that followed, while on one hand each one of us tried to stay strong for each other as we began wearing our strongest facade of a face, trying to hide what an emotional wreck each one was inside. On the other hand, each one kept trying to find nooks, corners, and places to secretly cry their heart out so that the others didn’t know about it, only for the fact that those swollen, puffy tear-ridden eyes gave way to what exactly the other was feeling.
She was the first one we had broken the news that we were expecting. She had already bought stuff for her would-be-grandchild and even knitted booties and mittens as we were going to have a winter baby. I wanted to share so much with her, ask her so much.
“What it was like when my mother was pregnant with me?”
“What it was like to raise me?”
“How was I as a baby?”
“Did I trouble her a lot?”
“Does my child bear an uncanny resemblance to what I was as a kid?”
I am left with so many unanswered questions. I cannot help but wonder. It’s difficult to be living a life without her. Sometimes I feel it’s just a bad dream and when I open my eyes she will be there, only that it’s an ugly reality we have to live with every day. There’s this gutted feeling in the stomach all the time, cringing me constantly. This entire void only lets me believe what mothers mean to their children; what I, as a mother, mean to my baby.
I would have gone into depression if it hadn’t been for Mr. Husband. He has been this unwavering source of strength this whole time. He was there to be the pillar every time I needed to lean on. He was the shoulder each time I used to cry on. He is the witness of the tiniest tear that has ever gleamed in my eyes.
Now two years later, with Shaarav in our lives, it still hurts the same way; only the expression of it has changed. I share stories of my mother, I share stories about her, and I share her stories, to find ways to keep her in our thoughts, to keep her alive in our memories. I find ways to make Shaarav get acquainted with his “Naani” whom he couldn’t meet from the memories I have of her, tell him how she would have said or what she would have done if she was here with us today. And let me tell you, even at this tender age Shaarav knows who his “Naani” was and he has already grown fond of her. Alas, I still can’t help thinking and be wondering how different our lives would be if she was here with us today. Read my earlier post on “Surviving the Loss of Your Mother while Pregnant”, from Mr. Husband’s point of view.
Love,
Mrs. Sunshine
May her smile continue to make our lives bright and beautiful!
Enjoying some fun time with my munchkin because I have been that Mom
Motherhood comes in seasons and I am in that season of motherhood where the heat of the season is getting to my head. I am exhausted and ragged to the bone most of the time, burdened with responsibilities which keep on mounting and doesn’t seem to end. Yes, I have been that Mom.
There are moments of spectacular delight like yesterday when my little munchkin Shaarav came up to me unannounced and started saying, “Mummy-stan up (stand up)-dance, mummy-stan up-dance” on repeat mode. It’s a delight because 1) he’s just 18 months old and learning to talk with his two-to-three-word sentences 2) I’m hearing him speak this for the first time and 3) I am surprised how he learned to say this because, apparently, I don’t remember teaching him. He brings me sheer delight in moments when asked to say sorry, he holds my ears instead of his and says, “Sooweeeee.” And suddenly in the middle of his play, when he comes and sits beside me and says, pinching my cheeks, “Cheek, Cheek, Cheek” (because he learned to tell cheek and chin last week) or when after waking up in the morning, the first thing he does is come to find me in the kitchen and greet me with his brightest smile, or those times when I find him trying to repeat my ‘go to’ words in his baby voice and looking at me for approval. How I wish I get to soak in moments only like these!
But then, motherhood is also made up of moments when I find myself struggling to make through the day, feeling heavy and tired from lack of sleep, round-the-clock demands of an active toddler and heaping undone chores. Moments like these, give me nightmares when he pulls my hair, bites me at whatever place he can find, playfully hits me (though it still hurts) with whatever he gets his hands at, never lets me nap if he’s awake, sits on me, jumps on me, stands on me, scrambles my kitchen or strews his toys all over the house.
Shaarav tests my patience in a way no one else can. He will repeatedly do things he’s not asked to, driving me crazy and making me lose my temper. I think he purposely picks the dustbin and litters around, scatters my kitchen again the fifth time I arranged it in the day, climbs the dining table and occasionally fusses about food only to annoy me. Because he is exactly the opposite when he’s with his father. He is so well-behaved around him. That is the case with stay-at-home-moms, at the end of the day, we both want to break free from each other’s company and let out cries of joy the instant we hear the doorbell ring. We both jump to open the door to Mr. Husband and find relief from each other. It hurts and feels guilty, sometimes, for being happy to be away from him. And I feel that I completely fail as a mother not just in doing my mommy duties properly, but also for not being able to instil good manners in him. I feel like a bad mother, guilty for not being a good mom and that his behaviour towards me is a result of my actions towards him.
Patience has never been my greatest virtue. And because of my toddler throwing tantrums, I often find myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And as a result, very often I lose my temper, but how I wish to be like those moms who follow gentle parenting. Some days go by so smooth that I need to pinch myself if I am dreaming. But some days nothing seems to work at all – positive parenting, negative parenting, TV, chips, chocolates (anything and everything for that last strand of sanity). But nothing works. Nothing at all. And the patience of an already patience-deprived mom gets all thinner and thinner. And several times throughout the day I feel like I am failing him as a mother.
Often I have this strikingly contrasting feelings of deep motherly love interspersed with feelings of deep mommy guilt. I am angry and frustrated for struggling to hold it together. Part of my anger I get as heredity from my father, part of it stems from utter exhaustion, part from my toddler’s erratic behaviour and him wreaking havoc in the entire house, but mostly just because of me. But then, I constantly feel guilty when I lose my patience and deal with the situation outside of what I believe to be ideal. I often feel like I am falling into an abscess of insanity and I feel like all I have been doing is yelling and screaming at him when all I want is to be a patient mother, be present for him and having fun together.
I have watched my sanity and patience run out on several occasions earlier, but the other day I completely lost it and spanked my son. Yes, that’s a starkly naked truth and you can judge me all you want. Yes, I have been that mom. Yes, I spanked him in the spur of the moment as I ran out of my patience. I can’t remember what it was for but I was completely aghast and scared out of my wits about how my temper had unleashed on my small kid. And, immediately after, I felt immensely terrible and even before ‘he’ could begin crying I had already started to cry. I have been in tears before for yelling at him, but this was like no other and entirely different altogether.
I cannot begin to (but still dare to) describe how ashamed and embarrassed I am about it. This was one of those times when my lack of patience and sanity gave way to this tremendous meltdown I feel so awful about. We both sat there crying together – he because of physical pain, but mine was more of an emotional one. I cried my eyes out feeling mortified as an upsurge of guilt engulfed me. It was when the crying turned to sobs that suddenly I felt two little hands cup my cheeks. Shaarav stood up abruptly to wipe my tears and with his arms wide open he started saying, “Mummy, hug, Mummy, hug, Mummy hug.” And all I could do was bring him closer to me, hug him tight and shower him with kisses all over his beautiful little face. He was all confused but still managed to let out a sweet smile making me smile back too. Yes, I have been that mom, too.
It’s astounding how children can be exceedingly forgiving without hesitations and reservations. And in that moment, looking into those little tear-ridden eyes but a still cute smiling face, I had the greatest realization of my life. I could see in those little eyes the pain and the love he felt for me – unconditional, selfless love. It made me realize that if my son could love me so much I could never be a bad mother. And, when I would have rather chosen to cringe and feel remorse for my own regretful action, that small gesture of innocent kindness from my little human motivated me to rise to occasions like these. And it dawned on me, it has never been a battle against me and my baby, but it is a war against me and my temper which I need to win and emerge victorious to proclaim the true spirit of motherhood back.
Such is the ebb and flow of motherhood. We are humans after all, and though we like to call ourselves supermoms, we don armours with little cracks shining it through countless battles of courage and valour like these. And I guess it’s allowed. And when my child can forgive me, it’s time I should forgive myself too. So, from now on I dare to break free and take equal pride in accomplishing the hardest job in the whole world of being a mother, and at the same time crushing it no lesser. Because just as my kid needs love, forgiveness, and acceptance I need them too. It’s time I should throw the shame out of my guilt and dare to own the compassion and courage it takes to stand tall for being realistic, honest and vulnerable at the same time.
So here I am, daring to break free of my own limitations and fringes to tame my temper. This fight is worth winning for my tiny human, who believes in me and loves me with all his little heart. Because though I’ve been that mom whose life is filled with plenty of moments that don’t make for pretty pictures, I want my son to have memories of me and our relationship which he can cherish later. So, rather getting drowned in the guilt-tide and dwell on the thing of the past, and instead of feeling sorry and get stuck, I choose to learn and redeem myself and let it go for once and for all. I refuse to get ruled by my temper from now on. I refuse to let go of my quiet amidst the chaos. I promise to practice grace to my little guy and myself. I dare to break free of my guilt, forgive myself and start afresh on my journey for my biggest victory – a gracefully realistic and a vulnerably honest motherhood, in its truest spirits.
And, as I sit to write this piece, I can see my mess-monster from the corner of my eye sending his Lego pieces go flying in the air, here and there (some even managed to hit me), and now they are strewn all over the place (even after being asked not to the 20th time). But I am sitting here keeping my calm and being chill about it though when I am finished, I will have to clean up the room after him. I am trying to be that mom who is good for both of us. The journey has begun!
This blog post is a part of the Dare-a-thon blog train organized by ‘The Momsteins’. Dare-a-thon features a one-day blog train with 29 daring moms onboard who share their posts on a Dare theme on the event of World Dare Day. This is my first ever participation in a blog train and it was really fun, exciting and a privilege to be a part of. In the same context, I would like to thank “the Momsteins” for letting me join for the fun. I would like to thank Sonia Chaudhary of Maxmumsonia for introducing me. Sonia is a fellow mom who shares the varied emotions of her motherhood journey of raising a lovely daughter. And in turn, I would like to introduce Akanksha of Mummatolilmissy to carry forward the train. Join her as she begins her blogging journey with this blog train. Please check out their posts on daring stories shared by them as well as other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
Have you wondered what prevents you from being a happier mom and enjoying the enriching motherhood experience? Motherhood fills your days and nights with countless moments of sheer pleasure, utter happiness and pure bliss. But apart from a thanklessly rewarding experience that motherhood is it also comes with its fair share of discontentment, frustrations, anger and bickering. Though most of the times the joyous ride of motherhood overtakes the chaos which motherhood brings with it, there are times when ‘unhappiness and despair’ hidden in those dreamy moments can pop its head outweighing the happiness and can rob you of the otherwise rich and rewarding experience. The stress of responsibilities and obligations might start to rob you of the joy of motherhood and a big chunk of your happiness as a parent and a mother might go missing. But, happiness is an elusive state which is more than the simple fleeting positive emotions and a smiley face. Rather, happiness is a state of well-being which encompasses a good, satisfying life with a deeper meaning and purpose making it worthwhile.
My kid gives me the greatest pleasures of my life, but raising a happy kid entails a lot of chaos and drama along with a heap of laundry and other responsibilities. But I want to keep it real; I have been that mom where I was losing the joy of motherhood in the shuffle of the obligations and the jumble of stress. I was beginning to lose my calm and poise due to being worn out both physically and emotionally. And an irritable and impatient ‘me’ was taking over an otherwise calm and composed ‘me’. But don’t we all know that only a happy mother can raise a happy baby and I do not want my relationship with my kid to suffer because I am not happy. The innocent smile on my child’s face gives me more happiness goals than anything or even anyone else for that matter could ever give. And that is why I make conscious efforts not to let some pointless unhappy moments to take away my happiness and ruin my motherhood journey.
So here are some tips and learning which have helped me maintain my happy, become a happy person and an even happier mom and make motherhood more enjoyable and enriching:
1) Learn to value yourself and your motherhood
The responsibilities that come along with raising a baby can sometimes feel like drudgery. Doing heaps of laundry, wiping noses and bums and cleaning after the baby day in and day out was feeling a lot like drudgery to me and was getting to wear me out. And so the first and foremost step that I took towards becoming a happier mom was to learn my value and the value of what I was doing. It is very important to understand that whatever you do for your child today, whether it is cooking a meal, kissing boo-boos, reading stories or playing hide and seek, goes a long way. It has a deep impact on the connection that you have with your child. It not only adds up to develop a strong, healthy bond between the two of you but also helps you become a happier and effective mother. Being positive with motherhood brought meaning to my life and gave it a new dimension. I just had to believe that even when I wear pyjamas or yoga pants I was still amazing for my kid and family who couldn’t do without me. Each little thing I do for them, which may seem insignificant and invaluable is in fact very crucial to bring me closer and make them feel secure and happy.
2) Label your feelings and admit when stressed
Labelling my emotions and feelings and admitting when I was stressed actually solved half of the problem. When I started to label my feelings and describe in a word how I was feeling it not only helped me to identify my emotions but helped me to also deal with it better. Stress, frustration and anger are common emotions that go hand in hand with motherhood. It would be a big fat lie to say motherhood is all fuzzy and rosy the entire time. But it becomes easier when you accept the reality. It will be a lot easier if you know that it is perfectly normal to feel stressed, or frustrated or angry. The feelings these emotions doesn’t make you a bad mother. Rather, when you accept and label them it helps you to overcome them easily.
3) Sort your priorities
Being a mother is not easy. From the instant you open your eyes in the morning and to the moment you close your eyes at night there are endless tasks and chores you need to get done in the limited hours you have. Most days I found the time insufficient to complete all the chores and they just keep on piling. That’s a pretty common picture of any household with small kids and mine is no different. But despite knowing that it can become easily daunting and get you overwhelmed. So in order to become a happier mom, what came handy for me in this scenario was prioritizing my chores. Some things need immediate attention while others can wait for the next day or even two. Also, how much of each work needs to done can also be prioritized. Don’t let the surmounting work come in the way of watching and enjoying your little miniatures grow and turn into amazing human beings. Because the time that you spend with your children is the one that’s going to matter and not the time you spend doing laundry and dishes. At the end of the day it is how you spend your time with your family making memories that is going to count.
4) Appreciate and savour the moment
Motherhood is a thankless job, but its beauty lies not in being a nitpicker, but in appreciating the things as they are and savouring those moments. Believe me when I say you can save a lot of your sanity by just doing that and inch a little closer to become a happier mom. When you have small kids, those toothless or toothy smiles, those wet kisses and those soft cuddles are the sort of thank yous you’re going to get. Rejoice in the beauty of the moment. Savouring those little moments and creating beautiful memories out of them is what you will look back and cherish. The life of a mother is difficult, I totally agree. But finding your perfect moments in those imperfect moments is the art that you need to master to keep your happy. Life will give you lemons, but it’s up to you to decide if you want to cringe on them or prepare lemonades. It’s not always easy to nourish and propagate positive emotions, but a little effort towards it goes a long way. And don’t you think it’s all worth it?
5) Feel grateful
Gratitude is a habit we all need to cultivate in ourselves. Why do I say this? Because gratitude forms the basis of my journey towards being a happier mom. There are going to be tough days, that’s true, but finding good in even the worst harbours positive feelings and opens doors to happiness and satisfaction. Appreciating and being grateful for the riches you have not only lets you live a fulfilling life, but also helps you maintain your equilibrium and sanity. When you have optimism embedded in your habit, you are less likely to get dazed and have a setback. Feeling grateful and acknowledging others for their good not only act as great mood busters but practicing gratitude also prevents the bad days from getting the best of you. Happiness then becomes a journey rather than a destination.
6) Don’t be harsh on yourself
Perfection is a myth and the sooner you kept abreast with this reality the sooner you reclaimed your happy. We all want the best for our kids and strive very hard to achieve that. And in the process, we set the standards so high that we become too harsh on ourselves. I can understand how much you love cleanliness, but sometimes it’s perfectly OK to let things remain messy if you are too much exhausted. I personally sometimes get exhausted to the bone and still have things that need immediate attention. But I let it go. I don’t push myself too hard and just let it go. But I have learned along the way not to get too obsessed and stress over it unnecessarily. So if you sometimes find my bedroom messy and laundry is undone, that’s because I have decided to go easy on myself. And I don’t find anything wrong with that if I can steal some happiness out of it. So whatever you might find causing you stress, you should let it go. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to be reasonable with yourself just as you need to be reasonable with others. And this is what will take you closer to being a happier mom.
7) Reconnect with your spouse
My marriage and my relationship with Mr. Husband started taking a backseat since the moment we conceived. Because from that moment onwards anything and everything has been about the baby. And as a consequence our own love story became usurped by our baby love. But one thing I learned before my obsession with my baby could make a permanent dent on my relationship with Mr. Husband was to reconnect with him and keep strengthening the connection with small and simple gestures of love. It’s understandable that the early years of parenthood can be stressing for both the spouses, but it should also be kept in mind that to remain happier you need to keep working on your relationship with your spouse just as you need with the baby. Do not keep your relationship for some tomorrow and also do not let your relationship with your spouse suffer because of your relationship with your baby. Read more about how we kept our relationship alive after the baby as we started looking at our relationship in a new light in my earlier post “Are you ready for a new perspective in relationship goals?”
8) Find friends and ask for help
Motherhood takes up so much time and space of a mother in raising a baby that it begins to feel lonely and burdened at times. A mother needs help not only physically, but also emotionally. And who could better understand a mom’s problems than a fellow mom herself. Getting to share the mixed feelings and emotions that a mother feels, be acknowledged and truly understood requires a fellow mother who has gone or going through the same ordeal helps so much. The hustle and bustle of motherhood and be really overwhelming and a little help doesn’t hurt anyone. To become a happier mom you shouldn’t feel shy or guilty to reach out and ask for help and you will be surprised how good it can feel – to be connected and be happy.
9) Set up a routine and hack your sleep
I have said this before and I am saying it yet again, sleep is the first thing a mother sacrifices for her child. But it’s also true that a sleep-deprived mom is hard to be happy. Having a good sleep can absolutely make a huge difference in the way you feel. You must have got lots of advice from well-meaning people to sleep when the child sleeps, but I know it’s easier said than done. And being a mother you would rather choose to get some work done when your child sleeps. But believe me, if you are missing out on your sleep you are depriving yourself of enjoying motherhood to the fullest. This is where getting a routine in place helps. I feel setting up a routine gives me a sense of feeling organized, gets my work done on time and also helps me squeeze time to catch up on my sleep. Setting up a routine for the day not only makes you know what to expect from your day, but also makes it easier for my family and baby. Don’t let sleep stand in your way to become a happier mom, find the hack that works best to catch-up some sleep and recharge your batteries to be the supermom that your kid knows.
10) Make time to pursue your own interests
Making time to pursue your hobby is probably the best thing you could do to become happier. Being a mother does take up a major amount of your time, but it does not ask you to give up on things that you love and enjoy doing. It never asks you to give up your sense of self. You shouldn’t feel guilty about taking some time for yourself away from the baby. This would only bring you closer to being you and being happy without ripping you off your motherhood. Only recently I have come to this realization and you can read all about it in my earlier post “Motherhood might be my religion, but I am more than just a mother.”
Motherhood is a blessing, but it’s hard not to get consumed and lose yourself in fulfilling responsibilities. But there shouldn’t be any room for discontentment and motherhood should be enjoyed with a true motherhood spirit. This is the time to soak up these moments before they become memories and get your mom-groove back with these effective pointers.
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