Have you wondered what picture-perfect motherhood might be like for you? I imagine it to be like the one where I am utter patient with my child, where I refrain from shouting at him out of frustration because he spilled water again and I need to clean it up or I come back home tired wanting to lie down for some time only to find a whole pile of toys scattered all over the bed. Picture-Perfect motherhood for me would be where he listens to me once for a change and does exactly what he’s being asked to do. Sigh! Wouldn’t life be so much easier and so much beautiful if we had everything our way? But the reality is entirely different from what we want and how it is.
These past three months that I have been working I have been juggling my life. I wake up at 5 am in the morning and the first thing I do is put dirty laundry in the washing machine. Then I begin to cook and clean which I try to complete by 7 am because by that time it’s already time to wake Shaarav up and get him ready for school. I completely need to be with Shaarav until 8 am at which he leaves for school. During that one hour, I need to wake him up, make him brush his teeth, bathe him, massage and change and feed him and get him ready for school. Believe me, getting through this one hour daily is the toughest and the most draining hour of my entire day. It’s a real struggle with a toddler who wants to sleep a little more and doesn’t want to wake up, or takes an eternity to brush his teeth asking for more toothpaste repeatedly, or is reluctant to take a bath or refuses to come out of the tub or wants to wear jeans and redshirt when I picked black trousers and yellow T-shirt for him to wear, or when he wants to eat bread and jam when I prepared aaloo paranthas for him after confirming with him thrice. And mind you, these are just some of the unreasonable demands that I need to entertain and honour every day.
I try to maintain my calm and not lose my patience, but going through all this daily besides solo parenting when I have a schedule to maintain because I have to catch a 9.30 am bus to office if I don’t want to get late is insane. I feel I don’t get enough time for myself anymore because after returning from work when all I want is to lie down for some time and check my Emails, Facebook or WhatsApp my son comes running up to me with his favourite storybook asking me to put my phone away and tell him the same story a 100th time.
And I have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from scolding him and consciously take a few deep breaths to curb my rising frustration before I take the storybook from him with a smile, pick him up and place him on my lap kissing him on his cheeks and begin our storytelling session.
When I thoroughly believed that my life as a stay-at-home mom was tough I am realizing that my life as a working mom has become a whole lot tougher. I constantly have to deal with a guilty conscience for not being able to make enough time for my son anymore – for not being a perfect mother to my child. I constantly find myself torn apart by the conflicting feelings of wanting some time off for myself and then ending up feeling that I wasted the time which I could have given to my son. I feel like I could go crazy dealing with this every day.
But a growing realization that I had not so long ago is that in my pursuit of being an ideal mother I had stopped being a real one. But now I have understood that it’s not wrong to idealize motherhood, but the kind of mother that I have been idealizing isn’t the mother that lives the same life as me. Reality is that there’s no perfect motherhood and there’s no perfect, one-size-fits-all love. When I first met Mr. Husband, I remember having the feeling that I couldn’t love another human more until I met my son. I look at him and it feels he’s enough and more I could have ever asked for. My life derives its very meaning from his existence. And I might not be a perfect mother or I might not even don picture-perfect motherhood, but one thing I’m very sure of is that I can love my son perfectly despite my lack of perfection.
And for that I need to be kind – kind not just to my innocent child but kind to me as well, for I have been harsh on myself for way too long. I need to choose kindness over harsh judgement because if there’s one thing I ever want to do perfectly is to make my son feel free and safe by my love. And love can feel safe only when there’s acceptance – acceptance that the real motherhood is as beautiful as or even more beautiful than picture-perfect motherhood, and that I might never be a perfect mother but I can be the perfect me.
Enjoying some fun time with my munchkin because I have been that Mom
Motherhood comes in seasons and I am in that season of motherhood where the heat of the season is getting to my head. I am exhausted and ragged to the bone most of the time, burdened with responsibilities which keep on mounting and doesn’t seem to end. Yes, I have been that Mom.
There are moments of spectacular delight like yesterday when my little munchkin Shaarav came up to me unannounced and started saying, “Mummy-stan up (stand up)-dance, mummy-stan up-dance” on repeat mode. It’s a delight because 1) he’s just 18 months old and learning to talk with his two-to-three-word sentences 2) I’m hearing him speak this for the first time and 3) I am surprised how he learned to say this because, apparently, I don’t remember teaching him. He brings me sheer delight in moments when asked to say sorry, he holds my ears instead of his and says, “Sooweeeee.” And suddenly in the middle of his play, when he comes and sits beside me and says, pinching my cheeks, “Cheek, Cheek, Cheek” (because he learned to tell cheek and chin last week) or when after waking up in the morning, the first thing he does is come to find me in the kitchen and greet me with his brightest smile, or those times when I find him trying to repeat my ‘go to’ words in his baby voice and looking at me for approval. How I wish I get to soak in moments only like these!
But then, motherhood is also made up of moments when I find myself struggling to make through the day, feeling heavy and tired from lack of sleep, round-the-clock demands of an active toddler and heaping undone chores. Moments like these, give me nightmares when he pulls my hair, bites me at whatever place he can find, playfully hits me (though it still hurts) with whatever he gets his hands at, never lets me nap if he’s awake, sits on me, jumps on me, stands on me, scrambles my kitchen or strews his toys all over the house.
Shaarav tests my patience in a way no one else can. He will repeatedly do things he’s not asked to, driving me crazy and making me lose my temper. I think he purposely picks the dustbin and litters around, scatters my kitchen again the fifth time I arranged it in the day, climbs the dining table and occasionally fusses about food only to annoy me. Because he is exactly the opposite when he’s with his father. He is so well-behaved around him. That is the case with stay-at-home-moms, at the end of the day, we both want to break free from each other’s company and let out cries of joy the instant we hear the doorbell ring. We both jump to open the door to Mr. Husband and find relief from each other. It hurts and feels guilty, sometimes, for being happy to be away from him. And I feel that I completely fail as a mother not just in doing my mommy duties properly, but also for not being able to instil good manners in him. I feel like a bad mother, guilty for not being a good mom and that his behaviour towards me is a result of my actions towards him.
Patience has never been my greatest virtue. And because of my toddler throwing tantrums, I often find myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And as a result, very often I lose my temper, but how I wish to be like those moms who follow gentle parenting. Some days go by so smooth that I need to pinch myself if I am dreaming. But some days nothing seems to work at all – positive parenting, negative parenting, TV, chips, chocolates (anything and everything for that last strand of sanity). But nothing works. Nothing at all. And the patience of an already patience-deprived mom gets all thinner and thinner. And several times throughout the day I feel like I am failing him as a mother.
Often I have this strikingly contrasting feelings of deep motherly love interspersed with feelings of deep mommy guilt. I am angry and frustrated for struggling to hold it together. Part of my anger I get as heredity from my father, part of it stems from utter exhaustion, part from my toddler’s erratic behaviour and him wreaking havoc in the entire house, but mostly just because of me. But then, I constantly feel guilty when I lose my patience and deal with the situation outside of what I believe to be ideal. I often feel like I am falling into an abscess of insanity and I feel like all I have been doing is yelling and screaming at him when all I want is to be a patient mother, be present for him and having fun together.
I have watched my sanity and patience run out on several occasions earlier, but the other day I completely lost it and spanked my son. Yes, that’s a starkly naked truth and you can judge me all you want. Yes, I have been that mom. Yes, I spanked him in the spur of the moment as I ran out of my patience. I can’t remember what it was for but I was completely aghast and scared out of my wits about how my temper had unleashed on my small kid. And, immediately after, I felt immensely terrible and even before ‘he’ could begin crying I had already started to cry. I have been in tears before for yelling at him, but this was like no other and entirely different altogether.
I cannot begin to (but still dare to) describe how ashamed and embarrassed I am about it. This was one of those times when my lack of patience and sanity gave way to this tremendous meltdown I feel so awful about. We both sat there crying together – he because of physical pain, but mine was more of an emotional one. I cried my eyes out feeling mortified as an upsurge of guilt engulfed me. It was when the crying turned to sobs that suddenly I felt two little hands cup my cheeks. Shaarav stood up abruptly to wipe my tears and with his arms wide open he started saying, “Mummy, hug, Mummy, hug, Mummy hug.” And all I could do was bring him closer to me, hug him tight and shower him with kisses all over his beautiful little face. He was all confused but still managed to let out a sweet smile making me smile back too. Yes, I have been that mom, too.
It’s astounding how children can be exceedingly forgiving without hesitations and reservations. And in that moment, looking into those little tear-ridden eyes but a still cute smiling face, I had the greatest realization of my life. I could see in those little eyes the pain and the love he felt for me – unconditional, selfless love. It made me realize that if my son could love me so much I could never be a bad mother. And, when I would have rather chosen to cringe and feel remorse for my own regretful action, that small gesture of innocent kindness from my little human motivated me to rise to occasions like these. And it dawned on me, it has never been a battle against me and my baby, but it is a war against me and my temper which I need to win and emerge victorious to proclaim the true spirit of motherhood back.
Such is the ebb and flow of motherhood. We are humans after all, and though we like to call ourselves supermoms, we don armours with little cracks shining it through countless battles of courage and valour like these. And I guess it’s allowed. And when my child can forgive me, it’s time I should forgive myself too. So, from now on I dare to break free and take equal pride in accomplishing the hardest job in the whole world of being a mother, and at the same time crushing it no lesser. Because just as my kid needs love, forgiveness, and acceptance I need them too. It’s time I should throw the shame out of my guilt and dare to own the compassion and courage it takes to stand tall for being realistic, honest and vulnerable at the same time.
So here I am, daring to break free of my own limitations and fringes to tame my temper. This fight is worth winning for my tiny human, who believes in me and loves me with all his little heart. Because though I’ve been that mom whose life is filled with plenty of moments that don’t make for pretty pictures, I want my son to have memories of me and our relationship which he can cherish later. So, rather getting drowned in the guilt-tide and dwell on the thing of the past, and instead of feeling sorry and get stuck, I choose to learn and redeem myself and let it go for once and for all. I refuse to get ruled by my temper from now on. I refuse to let go of my quiet amidst the chaos. I promise to practice grace to my little guy and myself. I dare to break free of my guilt, forgive myself and start afresh on my journey for my biggest victory – a gracefully realistic and a vulnerably honest motherhood, in its truest spirits.
And, as I sit to write this piece, I can see my mess-monster from the corner of my eye sending his Lego pieces go flying in the air, here and there (some even managed to hit me), and now they are strewn all over the place (even after being asked not to the 20th time). But I am sitting here keeping my calm and being chill about it though when I am finished, I will have to clean up the room after him. I am trying to be that mom who is good for both of us. The journey has begun!
This blog post is a part of the Dare-a-thon blog train organized by ‘The Momsteins’. Dare-a-thon features a one-day blog train with 29 daring moms onboard who share their posts on a Dare theme on the event of World Dare Day. This is my first ever participation in a blog train and it was really fun, exciting and a privilege to be a part of. In the same context, I would like to thank “the Momsteins” for letting me join for the fun. I would like to thank Sonia Chaudhary of Maxmumsonia for introducing me. Sonia is a fellow mom who shares the varied emotions of her motherhood journey of raising a lovely daughter. And in turn, I would like to introduce Akanksha of Mummatolilmissy to carry forward the train. Join her as she begins her blogging journey with this blog train. Please check out their posts on daring stories shared by them as well as other wonderful posts on the theme by other boarders as well. Here comes the train! Choo Choo!
This is what true friendship means to me.The quote that I am going to share with you all today is by the greatest English writer of all times, William Shakespeare. It’s amazing how words written so long ago have so much meaning even today. This quote of his speaks volumes to me.
A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow. – William Shakespeare
Of all the things which wisdom provides to make life entirely happy, the possession of friendship is the greatest of all. It is rightly said that the quality of your relationships defines the quality of your life. And friendship is one such relationship.
What does the quote mean to me?
To me, the quote means to be and to have that friend who can love me unconditionally, who can appreciate me for the good and criticize me for the bad, have trust in me and who can accept me with all my flaws and shortcomings.
What did the quote give me?
The quote gave me faith and trust. The quote not only opened my eyes to the riches I have as great friends but also made me understand what kind of friend I needed to be for them.
Friends are like colours in a rainbow – each painting our lives with a different colour, making it beautiful. Some friends are like the vivacious red, some like the serene green while some like subtle violet each sharing different hues and shades of joy, sorrow and oh, secrets too.
My friends hold an exceptional place in my life. Though we don’t see, write or even talk very often, yet I always know that whenever I call or meet them we shall start off from where we left. Our friendship will never be diminished by distance or time. Separate lifestyles or family obligations have kept us from staying as close as we’d like to, but through all the changes in our lives spanning both time and distance, we have still been there for each other. The sentiments and emotions that cement our bond are simply wondrous and incomprehensible. They don’t need to be told, they just know.
Friends show us new hopes and ways in the worst days, relieving us from our worries and sorrows. They make you a better person and you can be with them uninhibited and without pretensions sharing with them your darkest secrets and deepest fears. Friends are so much valuable and cherishing.
What did I learn from the quote?
Friendship is such a treasure. But we must first learn to give before we want to receive and learn to truly reciprocate. So in order to have good friends I needed to be a great friend first. I needed to “be” that kind of person I want my friend to be like – to be loving unconditionally, to be understanding without reason, to be trusting without question and to be relying without a doubt.
I dedicate this post to all my friends – near and far, young and old, family and acquaintance, girl and boy, and real and virtual. I feel thankful and indebted to each one of you who have stood by me, entrusted me with their unwavering faith, lightened my burden, been my confidants and encouraged me to grow and be a better person each day. I really am blessed blissfully to have you in my life.
Thank you for considering me to be a GOOD EGG!
Big and final thanks to the beautiful Jena Pendarvis for having me for the Quote Challenge. It was exciting to be a part of this challenge. Thank you for this fun opportunity. Dear readers, don’t forget to pay a visit to her blog and shower her some love. For previous two quotes please follow Day 1 and Day 2.
Rules of the Quote Challenge
1) Thank the person who nominated you
2) Write three consecutive quotes for three days (one quote per day)
3) Nominate three new bloggers each day for the challenge
This quote by one of the most prominent American poets Robert Frost is probably one of my favourites.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. – Robert Frost
What does this quote mean to me?
This quote has come to be the perfect succinct of my life. It holds so much meaning in my context that it has become a favourite and a constant source of motivation. To me, it means rising from the pain and the suffering, and treasuring the most precious gift called “life” and preparing to unravel the miracles and mysteries it has to offer. Isn’t it what life means – even in the wake of struggle and despair, the ability to “go on”?
What did this quote give me?
Loss of a dear one can be shattering. My mother left us for the heavenly abode when I was about 4 months pregnant. I lost a life when I was nurturing another life within me. I was broken and devastated. So many dreams and wishes had crumbled and lives had come to a still, refusing to move forward. But as I continued to dwell on the sadness of the parting life, it gave way to a new life lifting me of my perpetual sadness.
This quote gave me hope – hope to laugh, hope to be happy, hope to love and hope to live. In spite of the massive loss that I suffered, life is still continuing to move forward. I know it will never be the same again. But there’s hope that I will rise from the pain. This quote taught me that it is easier to dwell on the past than to move forward, but life isn’t going to pause or start over. It’s a fact. Bad things happen, but either we can choose to be immobilized by the gravity of our loss by dwelling on it, or choose to honour it and move forward. And to let go of the past burdens and knowing and believing that life goes on definitely gives me strength and courage to make the best out of the worst.
What did I learn from this quote?
When I felt the flutter of the innocent life growing within me, it suddenly brought a smile on my face and I loved my life for this blessing. I was alive again. This is when I realized that life goes on. Despite the fact that my eyes were blinded by tears of despair and my heart hurt, there are going to be myriad opportunities for loving, laughing and enjoying life. However hard it might be to believe at the moment, but nothing can change the fact that life must go on and it is truly possible that the best is yet to come. And so long as her memory lives in my heart, I will say that life is good.
My humble thanks to sweet Jena Pendarvis for having me be a part of this fun Quote Challenge where we get to discover and know new bloggers. This opportunity is simply amazing. Dear readers, please check out her blog for some good stories. And read my quote for Day 1 here.
Rules of the Quote Challenge
1) Thank the person who nominated you
2) Write three consecutive quotes for three days (one quote per day)
3) Nominate three new bloggers each day for the challenge
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. – Oscar Wilde
This is a very famous quote by the very famous Irish author and poet Oscar Wilde. Over the years, the quote has inspired many souls and I also couldn’t remain untouched by its deeper meaning.
What does the quote mean to me?
To me, it means identifying and expressing my individuality and uniqueness. It means believing in my originality and authenticity. Rather than trying to fit in and becoming a blind follower of the herd, it means representing my own style, opinion and character. Because knowing and believing in myself gave me freedom and courage and a true perception of who I really am.
There was a point in my life when I had lost all sense of self-worth and didn’t value myself. I constantly sought acceptance and approval of somebody for the most trivial things. I was at my lowest best and I had begun to harbour negative emotions, not for anybody else but for myself.
What did the quote give me?
When I started introspecting I became very vulnerable to my own thoughts and feelings. The guards which I had been putting up for so long were suddenly brought down. This quote made me confront with my own unknown and unfathomed emotions enlightening those uncharted regions of my heart. And I had to face my own deepest fears and apprehensions. But, when I came to acknowledge those unsounded emotions, I felt the power to transform those fears into something more positive and more creative. It helped me to contemplate and express myself without any reservation leaving me feeling empowered.
It gave me a world of freedom – freedom of thoughts, freedom of expression and freedom of personality. It gave me a sense of liberation from hypocrisy. It gave me my individuality – letting me make mistakes, letting me learn from them and giving me the gift of experience. It let me believe in myself and my dreams – to be myself. this quote inspired me to stand for the values and beliefs that I hold true. But it also helped me discover the real me. The “me” that was lost somewhere. It allowed me to celebrate myself appreciating and honouring “me” for my gifts and talents along with all my flaws and shortcomings. It made me more aware and confident and helped me grow as a person. It did need a lot of efforts and it was daunting and confusing at the same time, but figuring out my truest essence has made my life more meaningful, enlightening and fulfilling.
What did I learn from the quote?
And it was then I came to realize, there are all these ideals about what is perfect and what is beautiful and what is smart, but the most appealing thing is, that which is “me” is nobody else. I am “special” indeed in my own way and I am going to live that way. And this blog, my friends, is the result of discovering my true self, where I truly embody my truest essence, setting myself free, feeling liberated and spreading the word. Don’t forget to follow the other two quotes.
I would like to thank the very kind and humble Jena Pendarvis for introducing me to and nominating for The Quote Challenge. It is really fun being a part of this challenge where we get to discover new bloggers. Thank you, love, for this amazing opportunity. Please pay a visit to her blog to check out her stories.
Rules of the Quote Challenge
1) Thank the person who nominated you
2) Write three consecutive quotes for three days (one quote per day)
3) Nominate three new bloggers each day for the challenge
